January 10, 2003

What it's all about.

First of all, BWA!

Okay, now that I've gotten that out of the way... I'm going to take my time with this entry, and try to write it *right*. It's a subject near and dear to my little heart, after all, and as mucked up and confusing as my own thoughts are sometimes, I'd do myself and all of you a favor to get it down accurately the first time.

You all know how I feel about Calvin. As far as relationships go, the one I have with him is so close to perfect, that it's easy enough to ignore the imperfect parts. But I've gotten to thinking lately about relationships in themselves; the having them, the wanting them, the whole dance that people put themselves through in order to get them, the things people put up with or settle for in order to keep them.

I have three very close girlfriends. When they read this they'll know who they are. One will be getting married after many long years of being with this guy, getting engaged to him, (he) reconsidering the engagement, breaking up, getting back together, and getting re-engaged. I think this cycle happened several times. They love each other, but a lot of things that have happened in their past cast a shadow on their future. That shadow is preventing them from being too much more enthusiastic than, "Yeah, might as well," about getting married.

One is in a relationship now, and it has had a lot of ups and downs - the downs being predominant lately. They try, they fight, they make up, they try some more. They were going to get married, they postponed it indefinitely. She is afraid to assume that a stretch of "good days" is an end to the "bad days". What she's going through now is not what she dreamed of, and yet she sees glimmers of hope and potential that convince her that happiness may be possible.

One is very firmly single, but is in love with someone that she is worried won't return her feelings. She watches him go out with other people, they swap stories about nightmare dates. They're good friends, and she is afraid that if she reveals her feelings to him, it will cause weirdness between them. Not to mention that they work together, so if weirdness happens, it's not like she can avoid him. Plus, she's been hugely hurt in the past and finds it hard to give her feelings into someone else's keeping.

So I've been having some pretty heavy conversations about relationships, based on these three very different perspectives. I've been trying to be supportive and offer advice where I can. I'm in a great relationship, so I worry that they may think at one time or another, "Yeah, easy for you to say," when I offer them advice. But, I do them a disservice with that - they're every bit, if not better, friends to me as I try to be for them. I always very much respect what they have to say. Still, I worry. I want the exact words of wisdom to float from my brain and completely solve every problem, issue, worry, and bother they have. I want to fix things for them. But I can't, and even if I could, I shouldn't. It's their life to make decisions for, after all.

I think I'm getting off track from what I really want to figure out, here. So. Some history, because there's just so much I want to wrap my mind around, and it's good to examine where my feelings came from.

Really, the only significant relationship I've been in other than Calvin, is my ex. That boy in the sixth grade just doesn't count. So, picture it. 10th grade. I was lonely. I wasn't unpopular, just not looked upon very highly for the friends I chose to hang out with - the "uncool" kids that I found to be intelligent and misunderstood. I wasn't willing to give up hanging out with them, so the popular kids wouldn't hang with me.

About halfway through 10th grade, I started dating he who would become my ex. He said I was "different from the other girls". He said I was smart, and pretty, and funny. He was the first boy to ever say these things to me. I was desperate to make him love me so much he wouldn't dream of breaking up with me - I was finally liked and wanted by somebody, and I didn't think I'd ever have that chance again. I absolutely wanted to remake myself into everything that interested him. The music he listened to, I listened to. He was trying to restore a car, so I bought books on cars. He wanted to sail around the world, so I learned all I could about it. He had certain theories, I made myself believe in them.

Strangely, once I had a steady boyfriend, I became popular. Just because I had a boyfriend who had already graduated. He was good looking. He sent me flowers that were delivered to me during English class. He picked me up in his car after school. Suddenly, the other kids saw me in a new light - someone who was "wantable" - and isn't it sad that it takes someone else liking you before others will consider it. Still, even after that I kept to myself at school - I was very dubious of their offerings of friendship - but it was like the whole atmosphere of school lightened up on me.

Anyway, I combined my last two years of high school into my Junior year, and graduated. I got married two months later. Whether anyone from high school liked me or not ceased to matter.

It didn't take me very long into the marriage to realize that I'd pretty much sacrificed all of my dreams for him. In fact, I'd never really established any of my own dreams, I just adopted his. I became the single financial provider so that he could stay home and pursue his... what, career? Hobby? Laziness? All I know is that he read a lot of books, tinkered around with junk computer parts, and futzed around with what he called "programming". As I got older, the things that were against my nature and personality, well... no one can keep up a pretense forever, even if they don't realize it's a pretense to begin with. The things I disagreed with, I voiced. The hobbies and activities I'd once enjoyed, I started doing again. I didn't do the things he told me to do, that I didn't want to do (learning to sew, because I should "be able to make all of our clothes"). I did the things I wanted to do, that he told me not to (reading fiction "is mind candy, and is non-productive"). Stuff that he was ordering me to do or not to do, just to control me. Because I'd been controllable before. But for some reason, something changed. I wasn't as able to be controlled as I used to be. The repercussions for "not listening" got worse.

Maybe it was really my fault that our relationship didn't work. Or, as Calvin is fond of saying about his own relationship with his ex, "We were a we before I was a me." I just created my whole identity around this man, before I really knew who I was, myself. Once I started figuring that out, I grew up, and I grew beyond my ex.

Of course, come to find out later, X(m) wanted to find someone young to marry, so he could "mold them into the perfect partner" for him. Psycho.

Strangely enough, making the decision to leave X(m) was like turning on a light. Things were bad for a very long time. He cheated, he abused me mentally and physically. Beyond that, there's a million other things that made life miserable that I won't enumerate here. I existed, and that's about it. But then one day I just up and decided that if I even had to be breathing the same air as he, he was too close. All I wanted was to be alone, and to be left alone. The sound of his voice made me cringe, and when I was physically in his presence I was gripped with the absolute need to get away. One morning, and I remember it clearly, I just woke up in bed and thought to myself, "This is going to go on forever, and it's never going to get better. I can't live this way." I guess all along I just figured that the badness was just temporary, and refused to think too hard about it.

So I asked him to give me some space. He said he'd humor me and let me have some alone time. I knew he didn't see what I was getting at, and explained to him that I didn't even want to sleep in the same room. I didn't want him touching me, and I most certainly didn't want to have sex. I told him there were huge issues that went beyond a simple afternoon of him leaving me alone. I'd been telling him all along, he was dismissive and derisive. The end result was that I just didn't even want to try anymore.

The rest of the afternoon was spent with me reading on the couch downstairs, and he puttering about in the spare room upstairs. Every now and then he would come to the head of the stairs and call out, "Gee, is it okay if I come down into your space and get a beer from the kitchen?" Snide little bastard.

That night I shut myself in the bedroom, and he was going to sleep on the couch. It wasn't twenty minutes after I'd turned out the light that he came in and demanded "his rights as my husband for me to service his needs". The same abuse, tantamount to rape, that I'd been suffering under for a loooong time. I refused. He grabbed me and tried to force me. I got away from him, grabbed the car keys, ran out of the house in just a T-shirt and undies, and got in the car. I'd stashed some clothes and necessities in the trunk earlier that week, suspecting that it may come to that.

I got away, and stayed with friends for six weeks. Then X(m) moved in with his sister, and I moved back into our house. I filed for divorce, and a year later it was done. It wasn't as simplistic as those sentences may sound - certainly there was some high drama on par with "As The World Turns" - but that will have to suffice. Otherwise this damn entry will read like "War and Peace".

At first, all I had room to feel was just simple relief that I was finally alone and on my own. No one was making demands of me, no one was telling me what to do, and I was responsible for no one but myself. Man, let me tell you the absolute BLAST I had clearing out the house of all of X(m)'s junk, tossing it all in a big ol' pile in the back yard, to be later hauled away by my landscaping guy. I spread out my clothes to occupy the full closet, instead of just half. I put my books back up on the bookshelves. I cleared out the garage so I could finally park the car in it - and I leased a new car to go in the garage. I got rid of the old landscaping in the front yard and got something new. I got a dog (X(m) was anti-dog). I bought a bicycle - something X(m) didn't allow me to have before. Yes, I said "allow". I watched TV and read any damn book I wanted to - also things he didn't "allow". I ate meat (no more "500 Ways To Prepare Beans" for me!). I bought junk food. I spent a little money on myself, for once, and got some new clothes. I went to the gym.

It was such a heady thing, this ability to just live. Normal stuff that most people take for granted, that I couldn't do for years and years. So for a while all I did was allow myself to live, and not think too much beyond that. But I'd never really had a chance in my life to figure out what I really needed, myself. So once this new life became normal to me, I found myself doing a lot of thinking. What are my basic needs? What are my nice-to-have's? What empty places do I have that I would like a partner to fulfill? What are the most important things to me, and what things are not so important? How much of myself am I willing to give, and what would I be willing to give up? What do I bring to the table as a partner? What are my expectations of a significant other? What are my expectations of myself?

I can't say exactly what my philosophies were then. I mean, they were very similar to what they are now, but at the end of this story is, of course, my life with Calvin. I've been with him for almost six years, so I don't think I can separate my way of thinking now from what I was thinking then. All the things that I went through in my life culminated in a clearer understanding of what I needed in a relationship. And some of the things I didn't know I needed became a realization once Calvin and I got together. The positive things I didn't know I could have in a relationship, that I couldn't do without, now. And the lessons I've learned from being in a normal relationship - not the awfulness I experienced the first go-around, nor the idealistic views supplied to me by Hollywood, books, and the dreams I had of what "good" must be like, while I was living "bad".

In other words, reality.

So. Here's the major points. What I need and how I expect my partner to act; what I will give and what I expect of myself.

The primary thing it all boils down to is: I can't give up myself. For better or for worse, who I am is who I am (are you what you are or what?). All of my positive points, all of my flaws, this is it. This is the package. Take it or leave it.

With that said, I completely believe in being flexible - if you go into a relationship thinking you're never going to flex, then you're never going to be in a successful relationship. But you can't be passive to the point of being completely overwhelmed by your partner, either. Be caring, but stick up for yourself. Be giving, but insist on taking sometimes, too. It's a delicate balance. Selflessness can be just as much a flaw as selfishness is.

I think I read or heard once that the couple that learns to fight well together will be the couple that stays together for the long haul. By "fighting well", I mean get the issues out. Each partner hear the other out. Don't hide anything, and don't be passive-aggressive. Be completely open and honest with the issue - even if the truth hurts sometimes. A couple needs to know that they can air their differences and feel safe in doing so with one another. You have to have the faith in yourself and your relationship to be able to disagree and know that it's not the end of the world. You are, after all, two different people. It's just not possible to get along 100% of the time.

Listen to what your partner is saying. That's sometimes hard to do in an argument (it's even harder to do when you're just not interested, but listen anyway). Desperate as you may be to get your point across, it may be hard not to interrupt. Or if you're able to keep your mouth shut, you may be trying to think up the next point you're going to make as your partner is speaking, instead of listening and really trying to understand.

Be respectful. No one ever won an argument, despite what it may look like on the outside, by being snide, using foul language, or being accusing. It may feel good while you're in the moment to say things that you know will cut your partner to the quick - but if you really care, you won't. Never call your partner "stupid". Take them seriously. Don't roll your eyes. Don't ignore them.

Never, EVER, man or woman, lay a hand (or a plate, or a spice rack, or whatever) in anger on your partner.

It's okay to be different. Heather said to me once something along the lines of, "You need to find a partner whose flaws compliment your flaws." I found that to be a pretty profound statement. For instance, I'm pretty passive. Calvin's pretty impatient. If we were both passive, nothing would ever get done. If we were both impatient, we'd be at each other all the time.

Don't define the other person's feelings for them - if they say "this is how I feel", than that is how they feel. But by the same token, you know. Don't pretend you don't understand when you do. Don't deliberately misinterpret a point or choose to think it means one thing when you know it means another.

Even if your partner can't articulate how you're wrong ("You just are!"), it doesn't mean that you're not. And when you are wrong, be a grown-up and own up to it. Even when it sucks.

You're not always wrong, though. A person who is good at arguing could convince you you're wrong when you're not. A good arguer could convince the Pope to turn Baptist.

Be kind to one another. That point is so simple it needs no further explanation.

Be supportive of your partner's goals - and where you can, be enthusiastic about your partner's goals. They're never stupid, or unimportant. Ever. And expect your partner to support your goals. When they don't, call them out on it.

Extend the olive branch. Say "I'm sorry" first. Don't stand on pride. "The principle of the thing" is often stupid. By the same token, it is okay to expect an apology, as long as you can go to your partner and let them know that. Nicely.

No relationship ever survived without each partner making an effort. It shouldn't "just happen". Nothing worthwhile in life "just happens". Sure, you should have a good base to start from - it shouldn't, for example, be an effort for you to just be in the same room as your partner. But as time goes on, sooner or later, it will be time for a refresher. Remind yourself of the way you "used to be" back in the beginning, when everything was new and you lived in that perpetual state of butterflies. Start with yourself before you go to your partner and say "you used to be so..." or "you used to do this..." I guarantee, it's not always your partner who is the problem. Sometimes, yes indeedy, sometimes it's the person who stares back at you in the mirror.

Try to be the best person you can be, every day. Kindness, consideration, manners, thoughtfulness, anticipating needs, understanding, interest, patience, humor, gentleness, compassion, generosity, openness. Love just isn't enough, and it gets damaged if you don't have everything else, too.

At the same time, don't be too hard on yourself. You can't make everyone happy all of the time, and you do have a responsibility to make yourself happy. No one but you is in charge of your own happiness (not even your spouse, contrary to common belief), so pursue it. Don't sacrifice your partner's happiness, but don't sacrifice your own, either. It gets back to that selflessness/selfishness balance I talked about earlier.

Be mindful of your partner's feelings, and how they feel. Sometimes, the littlest things make the biggest difference. Thinking before you speak. Letting the opportunities for "I told you so", and the chance to get in little digs (even if the set up was perfect) go by without taking advantage of them. A hug where anger was expected. Small kindnesses and acts that just make life easier. It's guaranteed, even if you don't see a reaction right away, those things will be noticed, appreciated, and taken to heart.

Man. There's so much stuff here, isn't there? And I know that I haven't touched on everything - I'll read back over this sometime and think to myself, "Man, how could I have forgotten to include that??" So much to remember. So much to try to be. So much to want. So much that we wish was automatic, in the giving and receiving. And yet, it can all be simplified into, "Treat your significant other the way you want to be treated." In all things.

"Do unto others". It may be an OLD credo, but it's still applicable. And BOTH partners need to adopt it as their own.

This is what I have learned. This is what it's all about.

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Original content belongs to ME. Exceptions are noted. Stealing really isn't recommended, or necessary.
©Laura Charon 2000 - 2003.