| He's right, you know. You really ought to grow up. God, it seems like people have said that to me all my life. Well, it's true. But what is that supposed to mean, "grow up"? How? How am I not? Because I have ideals? Because I have emotions? Because I'm not able to be stalwart all the time, a mountain of stability? Yep. You really do need to grow up. I mean, come on. Stalwart? But I already feel like I'm too old in my head to only be twenty-six. What does that have to do with anything? I don't know what it's like inside other people's heads who are my age, but I doubt it's like this. What's it like inside your head? Well, there's all this white noise right now. White noise. Jeezus. Get over yourself. I didn't know I was under myself. You do realize that you're not even fighting, don't you? Then what is going on? I'll tell you what's going on. It's this - Oh, boo hoo. You poor little whiney baby. "Nobody understands me!" "People only love me at their convenience!" How self-absorbed of you. I don't mean to be self-absorbed. I don't think I really am. If anything, I'm overly concerned about other people. Are you really? Or are you just hoping you'll be coddled, and reassured, and petted on the head? Well, a little of that would be nice. Give it up. That's what Calvin meant. You're too old to be needing this reassurance bullshit. Stand on your own two feet. Feel your own self-worth instead of looking for him to give it to you. That's not what I'm doing. Yes it is. No... I don't think so. But are you sure? No. Then what is wrong with you? I don't know. I just haven't figured everything out yet. Well, you might as well give up right now, if that's what you want. You'll never achieve it. I'm beginning to realize that. What was it that you wanted tonight? You said it before. Reassurance. So you got clingy. Perhaps. And emotional. I guess so. And flip-flopped between feeling 100% guilty and 100% maligned. Yeah. No wonder he needed to take off. You're an idiot and he had enough. He'll be back. Maybe he was just bored. Now, you know very well that wasn't it at all. What he wanted was to forget that he had any responsibility toward you for a while. Face it. You're an energy sink, and he ran out of energy. Some of the things he said were hurtful. But were they true? Maybe. And do you blame him for wanting to concentrate his energy on something other than you this weekend? That hurt. But do you blame him? Not really. See? But that makes me angry at the same time. Even though I know my mood is what motivated him to say that. He said it's not his responsibility to make me feel better. It isn't. It's yours. Well, yes, of course, but he could at least be sympathetic instead of attacking. Was he really attacking, or just being brutally honest as usual? Oh, hell, I don't know. I just can't stand being ignored. Especially when I feel like this. It hurts. It hurts. I get so lonely. When he and I are fighting, it's like I'm alone in the world. Get over it. It's one weekend. But what if I've broken something beyond repair? If that's the case, over this, then it wasn't that solid to begin with. Do you really think that? No, I guess not. People can't be 100% happy with each other all of the time. And it doesn't mean it's the end of the world, or the relationship, when bad moods occur. That's at least part of what Calvin meant by "grow up". Stop it with the desperation already. But that's the way I feel. Having a feeling doesn't give you the right to foist it off onto other people. But it doesn't give other people the right to disregard or invalidate feelings either. Give the man a break. You admit yourself that you don't know what's wrong with you, and you don't know what you need. How can you expect him to? I don't. And yet you expect him to behave in such a way as to not make you feel worse, even though you don't know what that is. I mean, first you were blue and wishing you could just go to sleep. Then Calvin tried to tuck you in, but you weren't happy with that. Two minutes later you're out in the living room looking for that damned reassurance. And got aggravated when he blew you off. So it escalated into more bad feelings. And he decided to take a drive. And you pissed him off again. All I did was ask if everything was going to be okay. And he heaves this hugs sigh and tells me to fucking grow up. Again. Idiot. Of course he did. He sees you blowing this crap way out of proportion. He wants you to get your head back into reality where it belongs. Therefore, he told you to "grow up". I don't understand. No. Of course. You wouldn't, would you? You flip out over minor disagreements, or refuse to accept a mood as just a mood. You poke at it and pick at it until it's blown way out of proportion, and then you do that mousey pouty shit when you get your little feelings hurt. Hey. This isn't all my fault. Yes, it probably is. What would you know? You have the same perspective I do. Yes, but your cynical, self doubting, self blaming side is stronger than your confident, optimistic, sweetness and light side. So I win. No you don't. Yes I do. And you know it. Well, maybe you win tonight. But there are times when I win, too. Those times are getting fewer and farther between. So I've noticed. I think my self-doubt and lack of confidence is what's generating the white noise. How can you listen to that crap? Hey, I like it. It prevents you from thinking clearly. Yeah, well, there will come a time when my confidence - in myself, in my relationship, in my life - will overcome you. And there will only be the voices inside my head that I want to hear. Well, until then, I'm still here. And you haven't figured out how to get rid of me. No, I haven't. But I will. Someday. |