| An entry for February's Ampersand Project. Every experience in life has an effect on a person's future self. That's all a person is, really - a sum of their experiences. With some genetics thrown in, I suppose. We have some control and some decision on how we allow those experiences to effect us. To that extent we suppress, or grow, or utilize them as learning experiences. We gain newfound knowledge in how to react, and what to avoid, and what to expect. But we don't have complete control. Some experiences create in us an instinctive reaction that, whether we acknowledge it or not, we are pretty much powerless to change. It's just automatic. A part of us. Some reactions and feelings and the behaviors they result in can be defined in nice neat categories - some people pay big bucks to medical professionals in order to be provided with those definitions. But we never change how we feel, we only change how we react to those feelings. Either by mental exercises or pharmaceuticals, conversations with your best friend or giving yourself a good "talking to". Your own personal method of therapy boils down to the same thing - your own ownership of your feelings and your reaction to them. Advice may abound, but in the end you own yourself. There are a lot of things in my life whose repercussions are echoing across the years to effect the person I am today. For instance, my mother's death when I was young instilled in me a fear of abandonment and being alone. That fear is why I hate it when Calvin goes for a drive when we've been fighting, or why I hate waking up in the middle of the night to find he's not in bed. So I need to remember not to snap at him just because he was restless and decided to watch TV instead of toss and turn and bother my rest. What he did out of kindness I need not interpret as a hurtful act. He had nothing to do with the creation of that feeling inside me, yet he has to deal with the collateral damage. My negative experiences with Jehovah's Witnesses instilled in me a distrust of organized religion. Betrayal by people who were supposed to be my friends instilled in me a hesitance in developing close friendships. Fallout from my previous relationship effects the relationship I'm in now. Any hint in Calvin of a negative behavior that my ex used to portray puts me on the defensive faster than anything else I've ever experienced. I know how these feelings began, I know their histories and the reasons behind them. I can use that to explain *why* certain things, circumstances, and conversations make me feel certain ways. And with that knowledge I can anticipate what my reaction might be and prevent negativity before it occurs. Sometimes it's hard to gain enough distance away from myself in order to figure out why certain things are bothering me. I'm a much more internal person than I really thought I was. White noise inside my head is a definitive sign that I need to do some serious time analyzing and studying my inner workings. It's those hidden issues generating seemingly inappropriate reactions that are the most difficult to pin down. Conversely, there are some obvious issues in my life that don't seem to be cultivating any negativity in me. Not having a father in my life is one of them. As I search myself, I can't for the life of me find anything wrong that my father's indifference in my existence has created. At least, not that I've discovered yet. Yes, it sometimes makes me a little bit sad that I have no card from him on my birthday, no phone calls, no memories of him. But I never *suffered*, directly, for lack of a father. Was I supposed to? With every day I am discovering and cultivating maturity in order to ensure that my reactions do not negatively impact the people around me. I enjoy the complexity of my own mind, and I don't begrudge any circumstance in my life that have made me who I am today. Because I like who I am, inside my head. And I like knowing myself. That statement might sound odd, but amazingly there are people out there who don't take the time to be introspective and learn who *they* are, inside, as themselves. They may allow a title or a role in life to shape and form their own surface opinion of themselves. They don't bother to dig any deeper than "I'm such-and-so's mom" or "I'm this person's wife" or "I'm an alumni from this college". I think the most accurate way to describe myself is "I am a product of my experiences." It's certainly not something that can be summed up in "one hundred words or less". And so the only way to really know me is to have an understanding of the forces that have shaped my life. Looking at the surface "me", an outsider can comprehend what I do and even how I am but not who I am. I still learn a little bit more about that, myself, every day that I live. |