It's the end of February and it *feels* like the end of February. Know what I mean?
High: I almost didn't get out of bed to work out this morning, but I made myself and I feel better for it. *And*, I bought tickets this weekend to the upcoming Bon Jovi concert.
Low: All kinds of petty little annoyances and crap I don't feel like doing, in lieu of snuggling in bed with Calvin and watching a movie, because that's all I feel up to doing today.
- Wrenching Calvin and I out of our funks.
No grins, really, but recalling that writing makes me feel better.
I wrote my own entry for this month's Storyteller, if you want to take a gander.
Who I Read
Dear God, I can't concentrate on *anything*, and the majority of the reason is the VERY LOUD conversation that is taking place behind me. The gentleman in question is one of those types that talks in BOLD FACE AND CAPITAL LETTERS just in the course of normal conversation. He's just loud. It makes me want to plug my ears.
Oh, wait, hello, I can put my headphones on. Dur-hee, Laura.
My weekend wasn't crap, persay, it just wasn't as positive as what I was anticipating when I went home on Friday. Calvin and I were at odds which kept us up until 3:00 in the morning on Saturday, then we had to get up in order to make it to our tax guy's by 9:30. Bad news abounded there.
We just slouched around the rest of the day. I myself napped from about 11:30 to 1:00, and then again from about 2:30 to 4:00. Marie wasn't feeling well and got up for only an hour or two before totally crashing on the couch for the entire day. Calvin joined me for a nap and slept until about 6:00, while I watched Mary Poppins (of all things). Michael was a thundercloud all day because of some difficulties with his girlfriend (not between the two of them, but with some angst from her parents). He went off to work, and I talked to him later on the phone while I was making Enchiladas.
We finally managed to stir ourselves enough to go out to the movies that night. Went to see Hannibal. Oof. Okay, so the first part of the ending (and those of you who have seen it know what I mean) was a surprise, but then the very final scene was just. plain. gross. I've seen posted on a lot of forums that the ending of the *book* was bitterly disappointing, but then the ending for the movie rectified that to a degree. For those of you who have both read the book and seen the movie, could you tell me what the difference was? Don't worry about ruining the ending of the book for me, I don't plan on reading it.
After the movies, we rented several more from Blockbuster, and Marie had a friend spend the night. Calvin and I watched the first twenty minutes or so of "Dr. T and the Women" before falling asleep and abandoning it. We started it up the next morning (when we finally woke up at 10:00). What a dumb movie (though the grace of it was saved for Calvin by virtue of the fact that both Helen Hunt and Farah Fawcett got nekkid). It was worse than "Bring It On", which we watched later in the day. That should tell you something. Actually, "Bring It On" wasn't *so* bad, just silly. So, it was what it was supposed to be. Good music, though, and I've always enjoyed watching cheerleading trials. And watching that movie was fun because all four of us piled into Calvin and my's bedroom. That's the first time in a long time that we all sat down to watch a movie.
More blahs abounded. The only thing I managed to somewhat accomplish was the laundry, and I didn't even do the entirety of that. Calvin fell asleep on the livingroom couch watching TV, and I watched "Lady and the Tramp" in our bedroom. I made soup and sandwiches for dinner, and we sat on the couch and ate and watched *something* on TV. I opened the front door to let the rain-scented air in. Calvin and I ended up falling asleep while watching TV at about 11:00 last night.
What a completely worthless weekend. I mean, we watched VH1's "Behind the Music" on Journey, what, three times? Come on.
A couple of things reduced me to tears this weekend, and they're testimony of what an odd state of mind I was in. One was a commercial I saw while watching "Lady and the Tramp". A man is getting ready to go on a business trip, and a little boy of about four toddles in, clutching a Pooh-bear. He asks his dad where he's going, and his dad says "On a business trip." The little boy asks "Is Mommy going?" and the man replies, "No, Mommy's staying home to take care of you." The little boy says "That's good." Then, "But won't you be lonely?" The man, all macho, responds with "No! Of course not! Me, lonely? Pshaw!" The little boy blinks at him, and clutches his Pooh.
Sequence through a series of scenes where the man is on the airplane, in a business meeting, eating by himself, and checking into the hotel. The man looks around the empty room, and sighs. He begins to unpack his suitcase, and feels something odd. He unzips a pocket, and discovers that his son stashed his beloved Pooh-bear in his daddy's suitcase, to keep him company on the trip.
Oh lord, I cried. Dammit.
The other was when we were watching "VH1 Behind the Music - Journey" (the first time). They were describing how a mother wrote the group a letter, appealing to them to come visit her 10-year-old son, who was in the hospital and dying of Cystic Fibrosis (sp?). They brought a demo tape of "Only the Young", and he was the first person outside of the group to hear it. Later that evening they dedicated the song to him during a concert. He died hours later. It was if he was just hanging on long enough to experience that one wish. And to the band that song will always belong to him.
Yep. All choked up over here. Stuff like that gets me *right here*.
Calvin has been uttering versions of "What have you done for me lately?" (oooh-ooooh yeah) over the past few weeks. At first it just pissed me off (and I never have taken criticism well). "What do you *mean*, what have I done for you? I pay the bills. I keep the house clean. I truck the kids around. I plan and make meals. I do the laundry. I work my ass off. I'm going to school."
Then I stopped being an idiot and listened to myself. What, out of all of the above, were done strictly for *Calvin*? Yes, all necessary deeds, done for the well being of the entire family, and done out of necessity because that's just life.
Calvin's complaint is a valid one. Sure there's plenty of excuses. Life gets in the way. I've been depressed lately. I've been too busy and tired at the end of the day. But when I compare my behavior toward him now to my behavior toward him at the beginning of the relationship, it *is* different. Which is fine, and is what is supposed to happen. We've achieved a comfort level, which is not the automatic death toll that many folks think it is. Comfort is a good thing.
But, taking things for granted is not. Just coasting is not. Not putting effort in is not. I let my automatic reactions take over, as opposed to the conscious thought I used to put into things.
I would like to add a disclaimer here to the effect that I am not the only party in this relationship who is guilty of this complacency. With that said, I am responsible for a good 50% of it. Calvin and I haven't really talked about what each of us is going to do to rectify the situation. I hope he wants to put some effort in, too, but I understand how hard it is when there are so many crappy things in life coming at you. So, I'm not going to make this into "this is what I need from you", but "what am I going to do to help fix things".
What a damn fool idiot I can be sometimes. And life is too short, and our relationship too precious, to waste any time in the muddled mess we were in this weekend.
Ack, life will get better. It always does. There comes a time when *thinking* about it needs to be replaced with *doing something* about it. I've done the thinking. Now for the doing.
Your Mission, should you choose to accept it...
When I was at the bookstore last week, I was *so* tempted to buy "Where the Sidewalk Ends" and "A Light in the Attic" by Shel Silverstein. His poetry was a staple to my elementary education. Do you guys have fond memories? We all know "Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout Would Not Take the Garbage Out", don't we?
Imagine my surprise when I learned that he got his start (and continued with it during his children's-books-writing years) with an adult magazine. Heh.
Results From Yesterday's Mission
Sakana from It's All Gone A Bit Wobbly writes regarding 2/22's Mission:
"ok this probably isn't all that weird, but a couple of years ago i worked with a guy i went to high school with. we were the same age, and all the little girls (i'm a teacher) were in love with him, so of course they delighted in assuming that we were dating, and making up all sorts of fun stories about us. mostly these were very harmless and often very funny, esp since the two of us were close friends who got to share the different versions that we heard. but one day, things changed slightly. i was leaving the school to pursue some other stuff, and everyone had just found out about it. i innocently wandered into the dining room (surely in search of wonder bread) and was instantly trapped in a huge crowd of 7th and 8th grade girls. it took me a while to figure out what they wanted, since they were all talking at the same time, but they were clearly very agitated about something. gradually, though, the key words got to my ears, and i laughed. right in their faces. you see, they were utterly CONVINCED that i was quitting to move to seattle with this guy and get married. this was no funny little story: to them, this was the truth. it took far too long to convince them that this in fact was a story with no basis in reality, and that he would not be leaving them.
i still have NO idea where that story came from. and even though he left 4 years ago, i still get have kids coming up to me and saying "seriously. you guy did date. right?"