I am a moody thing, aren't I?

Go read Jill. It's hard to describe how her entries make me feel - much like slipping into a warm robe and slippers after being out in the cold. Seriously. She's Good People.

Also, Dawn posted thirteen entries since her last update (y'all). Feast after famine, indeed.

And one last thing, just so you know my take on it. The Canadian pairs should have won the gold.

High: My uncle called to say that he was sending out a "surprise box" which includes my mother's Hummel figurines. I *love* anticipating boxes on my doorstep! Especially nostalgic ones. I'm a sucker for nostalgia.

Low: I present today in front of ~100 people. I hope I don't have to use a microphone.

Stats homework and Philosophy homework.


I may be mad
I may be blind
I may be viciously unkind
But I can still read what you're thinking
Annie Lennox - "Why"

I celebrated my 100th entry.

Dramatis Personnae
Who I Read

February 13, 2002


For as long as I can remember there have been hurdles. Financial, emotional, physical, mental - they've always existed. Those hurdles fooled me into thinking that I had goals, but isn't a "goal" something that you set for yourself? Overcoming a hurdle isn't necessarily the same as accomplishing a goal, though it does give you a feeling of success. But that accomplishment is based out of necessity, not choice.

The stress level in my life has seriously reduced, in just a couple of short months. That stress reduction was directly related to things outside of myself, and outside of my own efforts. Which made me realize that I wasn't progressing, myself. My life was progressing, which is great; but that progression lulled me into a false sense of accomplishment, which I've just woken up to.

I think I've mentioned before that I've never been good at the whole "Where do you see yourself in five years" line of questioning. My immediate, if mental, response is "Wherever I am." Of course, if I happen to be participating in an interview, I just spout out whatever it is I think they want to hear. When I first interviewed at AcronymCo, my response to that question was "Out of administrative work, and becoming successful in a technical field." Which, as it happens... um, happened. And was, actually, what I wanted. Right from the beginning I've had a round of excellent managers who have put opportunities right in my lap, and all I had to do was exert myself in exercising those opportunities. So there again, it was effort outside of my own that lead to my current success.

Now I will give myself credit (because I know you're protesting all over the place, reading this. Yes, you.). It was based on my own merits that I made something of those opportunities and progressed to the level that I'm at today. But I didn't have to go looking for those opportunities; they found me. Does that make me lucky, or lazy, or both?

Perhaps life really is nothing more than being swept along a current. The people that drift with the current are just as likely to be successful as those who try choose their own direction. I'm living proof of that. My family approved of my marriage to X(m), and I went along with it. It ended up landing me here at my current state (and in my current State) in life. X(m) completely failed at offering any support for the two of us, so out of necessity I exerted myself to find a better source of income. It resulted in my job at AcronymCo - a job I never would have applied for unless I had to. I was, at the time, afraid of big companies. My managers revolved around me at AcronymCo, and I went along with it. It resulted in my current abilities and "employability". One manager highly recommended that I pursue an education. I went along with it, and now I'm a year away from a degree. I fully agreed with all of these directions, at the time and now, but I sometimes feel like my current point in life is just a result of luck and following good advice, and not much more.

Which isn't to say that I'm completely spineless, and allow everyone around me to make decisions for me. That's absolutely not true. I'm responsible, and intelligent, and capable. I have confidence in my own abilities and am proud of how far I've come, especially since leaving home. I just sometimes feel like other people have had more influence on my life than I have myself. Does that make any sense?

To be all Sex in the City about it (channelling Carrie, here) - "How much me have I put into my life?"

I know what it is. I know what it is, exactly. I feel all proud of myself and I want concrete evidence and foolproof support that I have bragging rights. Because every one of the things I consider to be my "accomplishments" can be directly tied to a person or circumstance outside of myself. Moving to Arizona - X(m) made me. Progression at AcronymCo - my managers made me. The house I live in - because of Calvin, mostly.

So how good am I, really? Is maintaining something that has already been pretty much given to you something to feel all proud of? I feel like I'm pretty "good at" life, but a devil's advocate (of which I am my own) could say that it's only because I was given the structure to begin with. All along the way, though, I could have chosen to discard the structure that was offered to me. So I made smart, safe decisions and ended up pretty well off.

Despite what others may see as significant rocks in my life's road (my mom's death, my relationship with X(m) and demise thereof), I feel like I've had it pretty easy. I most certainly have been blessed and am thankful for that every day.

What, is all of this prompted because I feel guilty for not having it harder??? I'm such an idiot. I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore.

I am happy in life.
I am happy in love.
I have all of my needs, and quite a few of my wants, taken care of.
And yet I feel adrift.

Post Script

I read this entry by Jessamyn after I'd written this entry. It struck a resounding chord because it's pretty much a (better told) version of what I've just written about. The difference is, she had the answers to all the questions. It's strange how timing works in the journalling community sometimes - two writers can end up writing about related things at the same time without knowledge of the other. I highly recommend that you follow that link and go read her entry. She's gifted with startling insight. It's a good thing she uses her powers for the forces of Good.


Original content belongs to ME. Exceptions are noted. Stealing really isn't recommended, or necessary.
©Laura Charon 2000 - 2002.