February 18, 2004
Always
A WordGoddess collaboration.
There are not a lot of things in my life that I can say "always" about. Or if there are, they are the bad, sad truths that I hate to talk about simply because I think about them altogether too much. Those truths are noisy enough in my mind, but following my childhood superstition, to speak of them is to make them true. Pressing my lips together to shut in the words makes the thinking of them seem loud enough to be heard from the outside (can't Calvin hear them, lying in our bed at night?). I could think I was crazy if I tried just a little.
"Always" and "forever" are hard concepts to grasp. When I was little I would lay in bed at night and try to imagine what outer space was like. I'd picture myself in a ship - I'd fly and fly and fly, and go and go and go, and never get to the end. I'd still be flying beyond when I was grown. After I got old. The moment I died. And still the ship would go and go, my body unknowing, my spirit elsewhere and perhaps watching. It's still out there somewhere, going. I would fall asleep amid this thinking, and wake with inevitable nightmares.
I could psychoanalyze this and say that my childhood was fraught with unease and instability, and therefore my psyche was adrift and rootless. I'm going the simple route and saying that I was blessed with an overactive imagination that wasn't helped much by my fascination with Star Trek and science fiction books.
It's my penchant for Contingency Planning that has prevented me from considering "always" as an option. And I remember the very point that I started doing it. When I was six years old, my mother was thinking of buying a house nearer to my school. I sat on the floor in my bedroom and explained to my kitten how he had to behave himself because this house was much nearer to the main road than our current house, and I didn't want him to get run over (gruesome kid!). And then my mind leaped ahead, and I realized that I wouldn't live in this house forever, and I wouldn't have this cat forever. I wouldn't live next door to my friends forever. It was the first time that the concept of change occurred to me. And so I started considering every scenario I could think of, and what I would do if that scenario occurred.
I still do it, and learning to relax and allow life to happen without suspecting that tragedy and despair is always right around the corner and imminent, well, that's been hard. "Always" in a physical sense just isn't possible. If I won't "always" be... in this body, in this mind, in this state of being... then how can I believe in an "always" outside of myself? My faith keeps me believing that my spirit, or soul, or essence, will exist for as long as God allows it. But I don't know if I qualify (eep), so that might not be an "always", either.
The only thing closest to "always" that I have in my life is Calvin. He's a secure always to have... and even now I shy away from using that word since it seems to tempt fate. But I will always love him while I have a body and soul that can know and feel emotion, and he will always love me. He'll always turn up the radio if Journey comes on, and he'll always fix the hot water heater when it breaks (like it did yesterday - thanks, baby!). He'll always get irritated if I've had my nose stuck in a book for too long, at the sacrifice of paying attention to him. He'll always cause a smile to tug at my mouth, no matter how annoyed I am. He'll always hold my hand when I reach for it, and he'll always tickle my back until I fall asleep, if I ask. He'll always meet every challenge with me head-on, and he'll always be the joy of my life. He'll always be... him. Himself. Absolutely and unequivocally my definition of "always" - what I envision to be strength, stability, partnership, a foundation, and the one thing that I can count on, all the time, every time.
That kind of "always" can survive death and taxes. It can overcome fights and distance. It can defy dropped cell phone calls and hectic holidays. It can support us through parenting and gainful employment. It can hold up against anything that karma, the world, and the beyond can throw at us. And at The End, either he'll wait for me, or I'll wait for him, and we'll be each other's "always" in whatever comes next.
This month's WordGoddess topic was to write about our concept of "always".
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