March 14, 2001

Self Image

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Momentary Thought

I've got a combination of "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi, with an overlay of (I think) a Barry White song that I can't quite place, running around in my head. It may be the Bee Gee's. Yes, it's definitely the Bee Gee's. "Tragedy", I believe. Damn, my head works oddly sometimes.

High/Low

High: Feeling better today. Plus, got a collab entry from Viv for March's Storyteller. The response for this project has really got me stoked!

Low: Math class is again demanding a written paper. Really, I do protest.

Current Obsession

Nothing, really. Starting a new workout program with a gal from work. Unstuffing/unclouding my head. Finances/taxes/bullcrap. You know. The usual.

Grin Source

We're having a potluck for our department at AcronymCo on Friday. I was "volunteered" to coordinate who's bringing what. All the women responded with which dishes they would be cooking. All the men responded with which dishes their wives would be cooking.

Storyteller
Bio
Dramatis Personnae
Who I Read
Recipes

6 years old

The girl stands at the counter with her aunt, waiting for their take-out order to be filled. As she reaches for the packages, the checkout lady says "What a helpful little boy you have there!"

The little girl glares, adjusts her baseball cap more securely on her head, and growls "I'm a girl." Her aunt chuckles and leads her out to the car.

10 years old

The girl sits in the car, waiting for her grandmother to emerge from the store. Children play in the nearby park - a chaotic game of softball. The girl sighs, bored, and watches as a boy throws a haphazard pitch. The ball sails over the chainlink fence and rolls toward the car. The girl unbuckles her seatbelt and moves to open the door. She pauses, surprised at the outright hostility showing on the pitcher's face as he walks after the ball.

"Well? Are you gonna throw us the ball or not, parrot nose?" the boy taunts.

Confused, the girl nudges the ball to him with her sneakered foot. She sinks back into the car seat as the children laugh from the softball field.

13 years old

The girl rushes into her Algebra class just as the bell rings. The back row, populated by boys, erupts into a chorus of derisive howls and taunts of "Dog!". Red faced, the girl finds her seat as the teacher looks on and shakes his head.

After class, the girl goes to her locker. The boys of the class follow her, taunting. The girl does her best to ignore them, and opens her locker. The boys shove her aside and throw the contents of her locker onto the floor. Down the hall, the same is being done to the girl's best friend. The girl watches as her friend bursts into tears. She shoves through the crowd of boys and puts her arms around her friend in comfort and support.

Around them, the boys shout "Dyke! Lesbian! Queer!"

14 years old

Flushed with pride, the girl calls to her riding instructor from the back of her horse. She finally convinced her recalcitrant horse to go over the four foot oxer without erupting into a bucking fit on the far side.

The instructor's irritated voice emerges from the tack room. "Don't bother me with that now. If you'd have lessons with me more than every other week this wouldn't have been a problem."

The girl is embarrassed that she can't afford more frequent lessons. She walks her horse back out of the arena. On the far side, the instructor walks beside a girl mounted on an expensive horse. The instructor is smiling and animated as she converses with her. That girl doesn't have to work for the stable for a reduced board. That girl gets lessons three times a week. That girl has rich parents.

17 years old

"I want to have sex with other women."

The girl, barely a woman, is now married. She stares at her husband of three months, aghast. He says it would be proof of her love if she shared him.

She may be young, but she's not falling for that. She wonders if she's not attractive or desireable. She wonders where she's lacking. She wonders how she could have missed that he didn't love her the way she loved him.

21 years old

The woman doesn't have many friends. Her husband insists that she wear no clothing while at home. She is called stupid, and ugly. Anniversaries are forgotten. Birthdays are ignored. Holidays are not acknowledged. Television is not permitted. Phone calls are monitored. Her world spirals into work, home, work, home. She reads in order to escape, but reads in secret. Her husband becomes infuriated when he sees her nose in a book. She goes to bed at 7:00 and 8:00 in order to escape, too.

His derisive words become insults. His insults escalate into shoves and painful grips. Sex is abusive, with the overt understanding that the woman doesn't deserve pleasure in it because she's a woman. The husband insists to outsiders and family that all is well, meanwhile threatening the woman that their problems had better remain between the two of them.

The woman begins to plan her escape. But even while she does so, she wonders if she deserves any better.

22 years old

"This is crap," the woman's boss says, and tosses the file of papers in her face. The woman watches as her boss walks away, and gathers up the papers. She'd spent hours working on the presentation, which information was based off of a five minute conversation with her boss, and the instruction to "do something with it."

The woman has gained some strength, though, since becoming free and single. She's responsible for her own life and knows she's able to make it on her own. What may have reduced her to tears a year ago now rolls off her back. Not every time, but most times. The woman is beginning to understand her own self worth.

26 years old

The woman is gaining more and more confidence. She's going to school and working toward a degree. She received promotions at work and has taken on more challenges and responsibilities. She is in a secure relationship which, though challenging in itself, is healthy and nurturing.

She often reflects, looks back on her life and the myriad of lessons learned. It seems like such a short time to her, and she wonders what lessons she has yet to learn.

She's still self-concious of her looks, even though she knows her own concept of her looks is much harder than those looking at her from the outside. She still feels like an outsider in group situations - not interesting enough, or funny enough. So she leans toward making one or two close friends, and shies away from crowded situations. She is still slow to trust, and reacts sometimes in disbelief or wonder when acts of love or friendship are offered.

But she is growing, and achieving, and recovering. She is giving and receiving. She is laughing and loving and thinking. She is finding happiness again, and rediscovering her spirit.