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Michael left this morning with his friend to drive the rest of the way to San Diego and check in at Camp Pendelton. However, we won't even have a chance to miss him because he's turning right around and catching a flight back on Friday night. Which would be very flattering if we didn't know that it's because he wants to spend more time with his girlfriend, not because he wants to spend more time with us. Hey, he's eighteen. I don't think my family was my priority at eighteen, either.
High: My boss, my boss' boss, and my boss' boss' boss (got that?) are taking me out to lunch today as a celebration for the success of one of my projects.
Low: Still a little bluesy.
Some of my responsibilities have changed at work, so I have a whole bunch of learning I need to do in a short amount of time.
Archibael sent me some Buffy fanfic he wrote. Cracked me up.
I... (uh!)
Know you... (uh!)
So well... (uh!)
I can tell by the sound of your voice
That you're really in love with me.
And you are.
Yes, you are.
Harry Connick Jr., "We Are In Love"
Better living through drugs, man.
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March 28, 2002
I win. Right?
An If Project contribution
The topic for this month's If Project collaboration is: "If you were to think of life as a competition, how would you rate your performance? What criteria measure your success?"
I've never been a terribly competitive person. I competed for a while in horseback riding - dressage, stadium jumping, and cross country - and won plenty of times. But I always shied away from getting really aggressive with it. Some kids (and parents!) were pretty cut-throat about the whole deal, and eventually I stopped competing. It's hard to be there just because it's fun when everyone else is taking things so seriously. Including my trainer.
AcronymCo is a competitive place - all in the attitudes of the employees. The company itself encourages "excellence", and the employees translate that into getting the big projects, making themselves visible, and cultivating the attitude of "it's not what you do, it's who you know". Or, in some people's cases, "it's not what you know, it's who you do". I simply try to do the best job I can, do the right thing by people, and make my managers happy. It seems to be working out alright.
I guess if I were to think of my life as a competition, the logical question to ask would be "Who am I competing against?" As a non-competitive person, it would have to be myself, I guess. Which means there would have to be expectations that I've set for myself - goals and timeframes in which I expect to reach those goals. I never really set goals for myself as a young person, though, against which I could measure myself now and determine the extent of my success.
I blame that pretty much on the Witnesses. Their entire theology is based on the fact that the world is going to end any minute now ("The end is near! Convert now to save your immortal soul!"). They base that on the belief that the "end times" began in 1914 with the start of WWI (which fulfilled a bunch of signs they say they translated from the bible), and that the bible says that once the end times begin, "the current generation will not pass" before the start of Armageddon. They figure a "generation" to be of a lifespan of around 80 years, which scheduled Armageddon for sometime in 1994.
By that time, I was out. I wonder how they justified the delay to their congregants? Probably something to the effect of "Well, people are living longer today..."
Anyway. I was a Witness from 7th grade until I got married. Some key goal-setting years (and impressionable ones!), there. I didn't plan on college. I didn't plan on a career (too worldly!). I planned on Armageddon and tried to get my minimum required hours of field service in every month.
Brainwashing is a terrible, terrible thing. So is feeling like you're doing the wrong thing, while trying desperately to make the people you're told are your role models happy. My grandmother believed in it wholeheartedly. I believed in my grandmother. We were both fooled.
My ex, raised in a Witness household by a father who was an Elder, got twisted and fucked up somewhere along the line. Not surprising, really, given the environment he was raised in. He stopped being a Witness, more out of rebellion than any contrary religious opinions, soon after we got married. Really, we didn't cut it off, cold turkey. His dependence on his mother prevented that from happening. It was more of a gradual thing - discontinuing field service, attending less and less meetings, and living with the guilt of not doing what we were raised to believe we were "supposed" to be doing, until we moved away from Maine, and his parents.
So. Keep in mind that during those formative years of 11 through 17, I was raised to believe that the man was the head of the household, the primary care provider, and the issuer of "discipline". The woman was the "weaker vessel", in need of guidance (because of course she can't guide herself!) and beholden to the man for everything from religious instruction to permission to do anything.
Ahem. Calvin would say that I've come a long way since then.
X(m) failed miserably in providing any support, any guidance, any friendship, or any of the qualities that would qualify him, under anyone's standards, as a good partner and husband. At eighteen I became the primary breadwinner of the family, and it stayed that way all the way up until our divorce when I was 22. It was that way when we moved to Arizona when I was 19, and we struggled to make ends meet. It was that way when we qualified for a loan to get a house - my credit, my paycheck, my efforts. It was that way when I started casting about for a better job to bring in greater income to cover our increased debt, and got the job at AcronymCo. It was that way when I put my foot down against his mind-fucking, his abuse, and his psychosis.
Really, his utter failure to have any good qualities at all gave me the confidence, born of necessity, to believe in myself and get rid of the damned boat anchor. So, thanks X(m)! Things backfired on you a bit, didn't they.
I used to measure my success in the ability to just keep a roof over my head, pay the bills, keep my job, and maintain my sanity. I had no goals other than to move forward from one day to the next.
Now, of course, life is different. I've become forward-thinking. I've found my center. I've repaired the mental wounds of the past. I'm successful on my own merits. And most importantly, I've found an excellent partner in Calvin. In terms of a competition, I'd say I've come from behind and taken the lead against the stuff that life has thrown at me. Am I competing against life? Karma? Chaos? Fate? My ex? The Witnesses? Who knows. I'm taking steps and achieving goals to better *myself*, and that's how I measure my success.
That, and the fact that I haven't gone completely nuts and taken up residence in a clock tower with a high powered rifle.
I have some tangible goals as well, now. Finish school. Increase my retirement funds. Get promoted to a salaried position. Maybe actually *marry* Calvin instead of continuing to live in sin. Heh.
Check with me in about five years. I'll let you know how the race is going.