March 4, 2003

33 Ways to Crazy
A WordGoddess collab

• Cubicle neighbors who not only listen in on my phone conversations, but then comment on them. At least when I hear the conversations around me, I pretend like I don't.
  
  
• Being nagged about something as soon as I walk in the door (works for getting to work or getting home). Either way, I need at least 20 minutes of warmup/decompress time before I'm started in on.
  
  
• The fact that we can't capture Saddam Hussein, and yet Dan Rather can interview him.
  
  
• Having to get out of a nice warm bed to run into the cold bathroom, turn on the cold water, wait for it to heat up, and then step in the cold water that's in the bottom of the shower in order to stand under the warm water coming out of the shower head.
  
  
• Wet hair on the back of my neck and down my back.
  
  
• People who say that a woman would make a bad President.
  
  
• Being called a dipshit, a dumbass, stupid, or any other derogatory remark toward my intellect.
  
  
• People who don't get my sense of humor. Laugh, dammit!
  
  
• While tent camping, finally getting all cozy and warm in the sleeping bag, under a mountain of additional blankets, snuggled up against Calvin's back, and then having to pee. And so having to untangle, step over the other (grumbling) tent occupants, brave the dark where there might be animals with glowy eyes, trip over rocks/roots/fire pit/camping gear/tent stakes, shiver and chatter teeth, find the outhouse (if there is one) or large tree (if there isn't one), hover over the seat/squat over the leaves, don't sit down/don't splash feet, worry about spiders biting unmentionable places, chatter some more, stumble back to the tent, endure more grumbling, burrow back under the covers, and squirm against Calvin to warm up.
  
  
• (I do this every night) Getting all cozy in bed, then remembering that I forgot to take my medication, and having to get back up again.
  
  
• While browsing in a bookstore, not being able to remember if I've read a certain book before, buy it anyway, then discover that I purchased it from Amazon a year ago (hence my new Reading List).
  
  
• Chain e-mails that tell me I have to forward it to fifty people within the next ten minutes, or else my hampster will die a horrible death. And I don't even have a hampster. Who needs one when you have Hampster Dance!
  
  
• Getting up in the morning, obsessed with obtaining the first sip of life saving coffee, and realizing we're out of milk. Creamer just doesn't cut it.
  
  
• Staff meetings that have no valuable content whatsoever. Having to sit through them because they're "mandatory", and completely violating AcronymCo's "Effective Meetings" training.
  
  
• Managers who ask you to "tell it like it is", and yet return the gesture with political doubletalk.
  
  
• Reporting out on projects I don't own, then getting the flack as the messenger is well and truly shot.
  
  
• The nasally grunting sucking noise my cubicle neighbor makes as he's sucking on the back of his throat ("Will you CUT THAT OUT?!?" "It itches!"). Ugh. Gack. AAAAARRRRRRGGGG!
  
  
• Singers who point to the body part they happen to be singing about (eyes, mind, heart, whatever). Yeah, I know where they are, thank you.
  
  
• Marie on "Everybody Loves Raymond".
  
  
• ATM fees.
  
  
• The self checkout line at the grocery store.
  
  
• Getting a phone call from Calvin, who is on his cell phone in his truck on his way home from work, asking me to stop by the store on my way home from work and pick up some beer.
  
  
• Having my lunch stolen out of the AcronymCo break room fridge. Sometimes my entire lunch, sometimes just one item so that I second guess myself. "Did I actually pack that apple/cookie/yogurt this morning?"
  
  
• Pop-up ads that plague my "always on" high speed internet connection. Which interrupts my workout DVD's so that I have to stop mid-downward facing dog or mid-corkscrew to reset the DVD player. Which breaks up my rhythm and makes me very grumpy.
  
  
• Being sleepy when I want to be awake. When I'm tired, my body completely takes over and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I'll fall asleep mid-struggle no matter what I do to try to keep awake.
  
  
• Sticky honey packets. I want the honey in my tea, not on my fingers.
  
  
• The fact that the AcrnomyCo cafeteria closes at 2:00 p.m., so if I want an afternoon cup of tea I have to remember to get my hot water before 2:00, or suffer.
  
  
• Automated telemarketing systems that call during dinner/before 8:00 on Saturday morning. "Hello! Please stay on the line for an important message about..." Click.
  
  
• People who pretend to like me to my face, but are so obvious about their fakeness that I'm tempted to say, "Give it up already, I know you hate me." I may do that one day, just to watch 'em stammer.
  
  
• Chopsticks with splinters.
  
  
• Conversation that takes place during an integral part of a movie/favorite TV show. Or having to explain "what's happening" to a person who started watching halfway through.
  
  
• People who borrow a pen or pencil, and return it chewed. Also, people who ask for a sip of your soda and chew on the end of your straw. Or people who chew on their own straw.
  
  
• The fact that, as this list apparently demonstrates, the world is a really annoying place.