April 30, 2001

Learning the Difference

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Momentary Thought

I may stop watching Ally McBeal, since they canned Robert Downey Jr. He was really the only reason I continued to watch. Him, and the occasional bare-chested shots of Taye Diggs. Rowrrr...

High/Low

High: In contemplating the relationship that Calvin and I enjoy, I realize that he and I so rarely fight that when we do it's a very alien thing. The harmony and enjoyment between us is, I hear, a sickening thing to observe from the outside. It is a very wonderful thing to experience from the inside, however.

Low: Well, hell. I thought I did pretty good last week, but I just weighed myself at AcronymCo's nurse's office, and I only lost a pound. Ah, well, a pound is a pound is a pound.

Current Obsession

Planning our camping trip in July!

Grin Source

Peg of Mechaieh's Windowseat did a survey entry similar to what I did. Yet it was inspired by this month's Storyteller topic, and she hadn't even read my survey entry. Interesting set of coincidences, there.

Singing

I want to thank you, for giving me the best day of my life. Dido, "Thank You" from the "No Angel" album

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A ton of things can happen in a week's worth of time. Some that deserve documentation, others that are details so minor they fall beneath the radar. Some, life as usual. Others, noteworthy by virtue of their positive or negative nature. Some, internal. Some, external.

I've been maintaining this journal since last September, and average four or five entries per week. Once I got into the rhythm of journaling, I found a lot of aspects of it became ingrained in me. Both the reading of others, and the writing of my own. I thought perhaps it was time to break out of the pattern for a bit, to re-examine it. Keep the good, toss the bad. Here's what I've discovered and accomplished:

I stopped viewing every conversation, every car trip, every thought, and every deed as a potential "journal entry". It's my opinion that viewing an occurence as a journal entry after the fact is far less distracting as viewing it as a potential topic as it's happening, or even before it happens. I miss things while I'm doing them, even, because I'm thinking of the right way to frame the description in a sentence. Crazy. I found myself trying to generate things of interest in my life, just so I'd have something interesting to talk about. Oh, not to a large degree. But the desire *was* there.
I stopped obsessing over my stats. In fact, I didn't view them at all the entire week. Didn't investigate who was linking to me. Didn't ponder why it is that my viewership always dips on Thursdays. Didn't obsess over whether or not my total viewership for April would exceed those of March. Didn't wonder, for the bazillionth time, why someone from the New York Police Department would visit me on a regular basis.
I didn't worry about falling behind in my daily reads - especially the forums. Them puppies are hard to keep up with if you don't visit 'em a couple of times a day. So I'm not going to worry about keeping up. I *did* continue to read my favorite journals. No stress there.

Bottom line, I brought myself back into the mindset that my journal is my hobby, not my job. Reading and responding to other journalers is something I do for pleasure, it's not a duty to perform. The primary person I'm doing this all is for myself, I'm not participating in a popularity contest or a comedy show. If I'm being critiqued, it's not usually visible to me (save the occasional interesting e-mail - usually to the positive). I've discovered what I'm sure many other journalers and writers have discovered long before me - I am my own worst critic. But every entry does not have to be of epic proportions. I'm trying too hard.

Something clicked over inside my brain, and I have discovered that I can r-e-l-a-x. What a concept.

I usually take every aspect of my life very seriously. Some, I should. My job. My responsibilities to my family.

Other things I can relax about. Notify List is down? So what. FTP is screwing up? The world won't come to an end if my entry isn't posted within the next half-hour. Didn't write an entry for a day or two? Nobody is likely to flip out. Haven't put up a Mission in God knows how long? Nobody seems to be missing them.

Didn't clean the kitchen as soon as I got home? Feh. The dishes will still be there. Feeling guilty because Calvin cooked more than a few times this week? He probably doesn't resent it as much as I think he does. Didn't get out of my pajamas for most of the weekend? So what, we didn't have anyplace to go.

I still take things seriously. But there are things to be stressed over and things to not be stressed over. I am learning the difference.

I got a butt-load of work done last week. I completed my final for Algebra and did a fair job (I think). I have over a week off until my next class starts. I actually *read an entire book* - something I haven't done in ages. I've been maintaining an exercise program pretty well, and am improving by stages in the distances I can achieve without stopping, while jogging. I'm feeling healthier than I have in a long time, thanks to a change in allergy meds and some extra sleep. I took walks, by myself (with a dog), and with Marie (with a dog). I wrote a story for Storyteller, and enjoyed stories submitted by others. The family went to see a high-school production of "Much Ado About Nothing" (Michael's girlfriend was in it) and laughed our asses off (they did a superb job - with the normal slips and mistakes that just make you enjoy it more). I brought Marie and her friend K with me to Bring Your Child To Work Day, and a good time was had by all. We watched TV, we rented movies (including "The Jungle Book", which Calvin, Marie and I watched in our bedroom room, staying up until 1:00 in the morning).

So, not a great deal of difference to the external machinations of my life. But a good deal of improvement in my attitude towards it, and my state of mental relaxation.

So, I'm "back", though I never really left. I thank you all for your kind e-mails and words of encouragement and concern. I now return you to your regular programming.