April 2, 2006

The Pursuit

Calvin is unhappy, and I am worried. And I am going to analyze him, and he hates that.

I am, as my faithful readers are aware, familiar with the arts of depression. The lethargy, the disinterest in life, the sleeping, the chicken hair, the blank expression. My darling boy is living these symptoms.

I wouldn't say that his life has been fraught with emotional stability, on his behalf or on the behalf of those around him. And perhaps it was the instability of those around him that cultivated the feeling within him that he was the anchored one. I am strong in the belief that couples tend to play the role that is there for them to fill - when one is weak, the other is strong. When one is angry, the other is reasonable. When one is het up, the other is calm. To this I suppose I must add, when one is feeling generally positive about life and the living thereof, the other just isn't.

Calvin played the positive role, and then some, while I was struggling to get a hold on my depression and anxiety. He remained stoic and upbeat while I was subjected to a myriad of chemically-induced symptoms as I tried one prescription after another, searching for the right recipe for my particular dopamine/serotonin/norepinephrine imbalance. He enjoyed the same happiness and relief that I did when I finally found what worked and started to feel like myself again.

And then the balance of roles started to tip. I was generally upbeat, but Calvin foiled my, "What is there to be unhappy about?" with his, "What is there to be happy about?" That pretty much sums up the fundamental character differences between the two of us and the way we look at life in general. He began to lose interest in the things he used to enjoy doing - or at least the things that he used to use to stave off boredom. My boyo is very sensitive to boredom. You know how it is when your kids say, "There's nothing to do," five minutes after your return from Disneyland? Ahem. Well.

My mantra is that the living of life doesn't require excitement in order to be enjoyable. I do not need to be entertained. I like the simple things in life. Which isn't to say that I don't enjoy vacations and adventures and whatever other activities our generous imaginations can brew - but there is far more "down time" in life than there is high adventure, and the person that cannot find satisfaction during the down times will find that they require the infrequent events in order to feel positive. And they will contribute to their own negativity by stewing over the fact that those events are infrequent.

I can say that I know what will work for Calvin. I can tell him that he needs to get more exercise. He needs to eat healthier and take care of himself. He needs to find activities that he enjoys doing that aren't difficult to obtain (a (shudder) hobby). He needs to find a way to be less obsessive about what he can't have and instead enjoy what he does have. He needs to keep moving instead of giving up and going to sleep (which he did at 9:00 last night, and then stayed up for maybe two hours this morning before going back to bed at 11:30 - which is where he is right now at nearly 4:00). He needs to talk to a counselor, and be regular about taking his meds - or find different meds that work better (his complaint is that they leave him bereft of passion and very blah about the goings-on around him).

I can say that what worked for me will work for him, but he has to want it and has to discover it for himself. Until he does, I'm afraid that he's going to continue to be resentful of the fact that I'm so "easily satisfied" with life (an accusation that he does not couch in complementary terms). I do occasionally feel guilty that I can't keep him company in his misery, and I do try to be considerate of his moods and feelings, and I do understand his need to be entertained and his frustration with boredom. But I can't fix what's broke inside of him. I can just love him, contribute to his happiness however I can, and hope that he takes steps to improve his mental and physical health.

All I can say is I love him so immensely that if love were enough he'd be living a frickin' Disney movie right now.

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