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I had a thought a while ago that I thought to myself "I should use that as the Momentary Thought". Now? Can't think of it. Pre-period retardation, I think.
High: Let's see. What's the best thing that happened to me today? Actually, right now sitting in front of my computer singin' "sha la la la la la la la la la la di da" is going quite a way toward improving my mood.
Low: I seem to be in a deep blue funk.
The external hard drive I talked about in my blog.
Dana's latest.
Hey where did we go
Days when the rains came
Down in the hollow
Playin' a new game
Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison
It was the Monday Dance.
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May 8, 2002
I don't feel like it.
The thing about not writing consistently is that I tend to start to feel guilty. The days pass with nary an update (or even an inkling of an idea for an update), and Calvin starts raising his eyebrows at me in that "How could you do this to Your Public" way he has, and then he starts ribbing me (jocularly, but depending on my mood I tend to read a degree of seriousness into it) about how he'd stop reading if he were someone other than a family member.
Quoth he: "You haven't updated in a week! How am I supposed to know what's going on in our life?!?"
And really, I have no excuse. There's been plenty of opportunity, plenty of time. I've been blogging and I've been staying up to date on my regular "reads" (Dana, Jill, Terry, Sherry, Anna, Jayne, Rob, Dawn, Jessamyn, Sara, Robyn, Terry, Mo, Heather, Heather, Melissa, Lis, Athena, Willa, Eliza, Jette, Kymm, plus some others I'm sure I've forgotten, and a half a dozen or so that are either on hiatus or are otherwise not updating lately).
Hmm. Seems I need to update my links page.
Anyway. Even now it's a struggle to put words down, because I have no words. I'm in this weird disassociated state where I just want to absorb. All input, no output. I want to read all day (and I'm very nearly done with "Shelters of Stone"), or sit on my ass and watch movies. I don't feel like participating in conversations, I don't feel like contributing in meetings. I don't feel like staying in, I don't feel like going out. I don't feel like cooking, I don't feel like ordering in.
I don't feel like "it" in general. Which is not a good thing when one's life is full of many "its" that need to get done regardless of if one feels like doing that particular "it" or not.
I think I'm blue, but I really have no reason to be. I think I'm annoyed, but there is no source to bitch out. I think I'm tired, but there's this restlessness I can't explain.
I think I'm PMS-ing, and I still haven't figured out how to deal with it.
The thing of it is, PMS takes me in different ways every month, and it's hard to anticipate. Like last month? Nothing. No bad moods, no cranky episodes, no stormy weeping. Nothing. This month? Cranky ass sonuvabitch, and the pervasive feeling that I just "need a good cry".
Gah. I *hate* that.
But in any case, I don't associate all of these doldrums to PMS (Calvin does, but then, he would). I've felt distanced and distracted for a few weeks, now. Usually "writing myself out" helps me to figure out what the hell is going on with me, but it's not working this time. Hence my silence (or at least lack of anything even marginally entertaining) as of late.
It's like I'm out of step - out of rhythm with something, but the conductor's missing and I don't know what I should be in sync *with*. Is it something so simple as ramping up on vitamins again? Getting more sleep? Eating more chocolate (IhopeIhopeIhope)? Or do I need to seek a professional that can prescribe me a pretty blue pill? Do I just put my head down, get done what needs to get done, and weather this out? Or should I be more concerned that I may be seriously depressed? What *is* depression? How would I recognize it if I had it?
All of the questions, none of the answers. It is for precisely that reason that I never took Calculus.
I keep thinking of things that I want to "get beyond" - this semester of school, the next project at work, the next weekend's worth of chores, etc. And then I realize that it's not these things, or the anticipation of these things, that are off-setting my life. I've felt "normal" at other periods in which these things were a reality, so there's something different going on *now* that's causing this feeling.
But I'll be damned if I know what it is. Sure, we've had a couple of crazy weekends here recently, but no more so than at certain other times in the past. I'm busy at work, but I'm always busy at work. And this semester of school is probably the easiest one I've had to deal with yet.
None of this is making any sense, I know. Sorry.
I find my mind dwelling on very dark thoughts - death, loss, destruction, pain, loneliness, despair. I tend to do that when things are going Way Too Well, and I expect the other shoe to drop at any moment. I just want to be able to trust that the positive trend in my life is going to *remain* positive. I guess I expected to feel a lot more secure when I reached this stage in my life, but I don't. If anything, I feel *less* secure. Not in the things I can effect - my relationship, my job, my home, my family, my finances. Those things I feel pretty secure in, as far as I can influence them. But I know that those things can be taken away from me at any given moment - an accident, a layoff, a fire, or any number of things that could cause me to lose what I hold dear (or necessary). I pray, but then I end up feeling like a spoiled child who is *still* complaining after she's been given everything she ever wanted.
So. These are the things that have been on my mind. My entries have been tinged with gloominess as a result, and I don't want to continue to subject my readers to that. Suffice to say that I'm primarily happy, but lately that happiness has been overlaid with a layer of gloom. I'm trying to shake it, but for the time being it's persisting. Hence, my relative silence.
This episode is probably going to be one of those quirky things, where I go to bed one night feeling oppressed by this cloud, and then wake up the next morning feeling like I'm in lock-step with life again. I'll get a handle on it one way or another, and then my energy will return, as will my desire to be productive, and my desire to write. Every writer goes through phases where they "just don't feel like it" - as if the writing of life's details interferes with the *living* of life's details.
Soon, I'm sure I'll feel like it again. Writing this today has helped a lot. Even if writing doesn't always help me figure it all out, it still helps me to feel better.