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May 19, 2003 "Party on, Wayne." "Party on, Garth." Let's see. There was a giant carrot hanging in outer space. There was Cleavage of Doom (nod to Weet). There were Evil Fingers. There was booty bumping with perfect strangers, and near-perfect strangers. There was a fight in the street, and pepper spray, and handcuffs. There was 2.3 hours of sleep. There were clothes that made my ass look GREAT ("Why didn't you tell me my ass was so hot?"). There was stepmom-stepdaughter bonding. There was waving our hands in the air like we didn't care. There was a truly gnarly nap. There was a movie that made me think, "Well, at least Keanu is pretty." There was singing at the top of my lungs. This weekend rocked. And flew by in, like, three minutes. I will attempt to recap in the most entertaining way possible. So, Friday. I got off of work at 1:00, legitimately. Calvin and I went to sign paperwork for a debt consolidation loan (let's hear it for $300 savings a month! Let's hear it for tax deductible interest!). We watched a moronic video reminiscent of the driver's ed "This Is What Happens When You Drive Drunk" horror, but without the crash test dummies. I mean, whoever heard of watching an instructional video about a home equity loan? Better yet, one in which it was obvious that the "I'm not a financial advisor, I just play one in instructional videos" chickie was reading off of queue cards. Calvin and I groaned our way through the 6 minutes and 37 seconds ("Hey, she said it would only be five minutes!"), that we'll never get back again. But! Now we know what rescission means! And what better people we are for it. I don't know how we got by this far in life without that little bit of information. Anyway, we signed fifteen different documents, each time ensuring that Calvin signed on the top line and I signed on the bottom line. I asked what would happen if we reversed it. The guy didn't know. And didn't seem to want to risk it. Chicken. Why would life be worth living if we didn't take risks? I ask you. After Calvin and I both attempted to insert a bit of levity into the experience, we gave it up as a bad idea and just meekly submitted to the tedium. Forty-five minutes later, we finally broke out of there with our reams of paperwork in hand and the strict instructions to read over the loan documentation before the rescission period was over. Yeah, whatever. Didn't get to it. We're reckless that way. But hey! We watched the video, remember! I could, like, totally do that guy's job now. Got a phone call from Marie on our way home. She likes to check up on us when she doesn't know what we're up to ("Was that Mom checking up on us?" "Yep."). In this case, it was because Calvin's work truck was present at the house when she got home from school, but Calvin wasn't, and this was a deviation from our normal weekday routine. Once she checked in on us, we were given permission to carry on about our activities. And then two seconds later we walked in the door. We ordered tickets for the 4:20 showing of "The Matrix: Reloaded", at the theater at the mall. Marie was having some confusion about coordinating plans with her friends, but decided to go with us as long as we didn't embarrass her in front of any people she knew. Friday night at the mall, after all. We arrived quite a bit early, figuring there would be longer lines than were actually present for the matinee showing. And so we had plenty of time to kill, pestering each other. Marie wanted food, Calvin wanted to wait until it got closer to movie time before he went to the concession stand. She hollered, "What, are you going to starve your child?" People turned to look. Calvin made a face at her and slugged her in the shoulder. She hollered, "Daddy, don't hit me!!" with an evil grin. Again, people turned to look. Calvin growled, "Shut up, Marie!" She whined. "Daddy, I'm hungry! Daddy, please get me a hot dog! Daddy, I haven't eaten all day! Daddy, love me!!!" He said, "Here, here's some money, just go get it yourself!" "But DAAAADDYYYY...." Huff. "Laura..." "Nope, I just got comfy." Huff again. "Fine, what do you want?" "A hot dog. Oh, and nachos! With cheese! And popcorn." He got up and excused his way down the isle, and she grinned at me and said, "I win." "Yeah, I can see that. Don't think I'm not taking notes, here." The movie was entertaining enough. It tried to wax a bit too philosophical in places, (Marie and I looked at each other a few times and went, "Eh?") and in a few other places they slowed down the action sequence and you could tell Keanu was computer enhanced, but other than that it was okay. Really, just one long fight scene (I was yelling "Nuh-uh!" in a few areas - especially the whole Neo As Superman bit) interspersed with a smattering of dialogue that was obvious in its attempt to make you Think Deep Thoughts, and one rather kitschy love scene. I'll agree with Michael's assessment: 7 out of 10. We will, of course, watch Part III in November. We've come this far, after all, might as well see it through. Marie's plans with her friends still weren't solidified after the movie, so we decided to finish up our summer clothes shopping. I just have to say, Sears has come a long way from dungarees and nurse's uniforms. They had some really cute clothes, and (BONUS!) I found a bathing suit that I don't absolutely hate. They're selling Lands End clothes now, and I thought I would be all over that, but when I actually looked through them, all I could think of was that they were too old for me. So I stuck to the Young And Hep section. Marie and I kept pulling out clothes, holding them up, and exclaiming, "Hey, that's cute!" or "I just grabbed that one!" She even asked me if I would care if she got the same shirt I did. It's cracking her up that we have the same taste in clothes. She kept saying, "Dude, this is so cool." Calvin picked out some very nice button down, loose and flowy Hawiian-esque print shirts, and some nice shorts to go with them. I was thinking he's come a LONG way toward picking out clothes for himself (Kidding! He's got good taste. He picked me, didn't he?), before I was told that he'd garnered Marie's advice. Marie got some capris and sleeveless shirts, plus a more formal shirt, and some kickin' around shorts. I got a pair of linen capris (can I just say that I will be up shit's creek when capris go out of style? I have (counting) seven pair. I love 'em.) and a few sleeveless shirts, plus the aforementioned bathing suit. I messed around with some sunhats, but seeing Calvin and Marie run away in embarrassment was enough to make me think twice about buying any. What is cool in hatwear nowadays, anyway? I must keep the sun off my precious nose. That pretty much wraps up our clothes shopping for the summer. Aside from some linen pants and a pair of sandals for Calvin, a bathing wrap for myself, and a couple of pairs of jeans and some sandals for Marie, we are right and tight to be all fashionable and whatnot in Hawaii. Saturday I got up bright and early (read: 9:30) and worked out. Even though I knew I'd be dancing my ass off later on in the evening. How's that for disciplined? Calvin and I went to our friend D's house for a cookout celebration in honor of her obtaining her Master's degree. We met what she assured me was not quite all of her extended family members, but I think she was lying. There were Gigantica Hamburgers and tons of beer, what seemed like an entire herd of dogs that turned out to be only three, and the official Present Opening Ceremony. We hung out and drank and socialized for a couple of hours in the HUNDRED DEGREE FRICKIN' HEAT (somebody tell Mother Nature that yes, it is Arizona, but it is also only May!!). Then it was home again with assurances that we'd be back at 8:30 ready for our night o' partying. Home. Cool. Air conditioning. Clean sheets on bed. Nap. Hooray for naps. Then my second shower of the day, my second application of Hot And Sessy Makeup, and my second attempt at rock-n-roll hair that did truly Rock. Love it when it comes out right. And twice in a row? That's unheard of. I put on a SexKitten(tm) outfit (a black miniskirt that made my legs look long, high heeled strappy sandals, and a tight white sleeveless shirt that dipped low in front and made me look like I had Cleavage of Doom) and donned my Hottie Attitude ("Yeah, I'm bitchin'. I'm rockin'. I'm hot and I know it, baybee!"). Calvin, with a nod to the Grandparents (long time readers will recall that they always dress alike when they go out in public), put on black dress pants and a white button up shirt. Yea verily, we were too precious for words. And did I mention Hot? We rocked the tunes on the way to D's house (anybody out there heard of Atomic Kittens? Really Wanna Be With You is awesome). The limo bus the rest of the party-goers were taking was pulled up out front, but Calvin and I opted to drive ourselves so that we could leave when we wanted to. We sat around FOREVER until everyone was dressed, assembled, and ready to go. Then we ended up beating the limo bus to our destination as it detoured to pick up other members of our group. Noyz is in downtown Scottsdale, where all the beautiful people hang out. I couldn't help but think that THIS area is the place that we need to take Dawn the next time she's in Arizona. She'd get a kick out of it. All the snobs. All the attitude. All of the bea-YOO-tiful people. At any rate. It was still quiet when Calvin and I arrived ($4 valet parking sure as hell beat driving around and around and AROUND for an available parking space), so we grabbed a couple of Coronas and claimed a pub table at the edge of the dance floor. The DJ was playing a good mix of hip-hop, trance, and pop mixes, so the fifteen minutes or so that we had to wait wasn't too painful. Except for the tummy ache that Calvin was suffering, ever since waking up from our nap. The poor guy, he was such a good sport about going out when he didn't feel well. The "short bus", as we dubbed it, finally pulled up out front and disgorged the party-goers. Their arrival coincided with the arrival of just about everyone else in Scottsdale, and pretty soon the place was packed. After a beer and a shot, I was ready to dance. D, her sister, and I did the bump in front of the fellas, who were staring slack jawed and drooling. The dance floor got more and more packed, until we were reduced to throwing our arms up overhead and wiggling in place. I took several breaks to squeegee myself off, partake of some gossip sessions in the bathroom, and hang with Calvin, who stuck by the table and enjoyed the sights. I really wish he'd felt better - he's a load of fun on the dance floor. At one point an inebriated D, shakin' her thang in front of me, maneuvered me until I was doing the bump up against some complete stranger's chest. He threw his hands up in a "Hey, I ain't touchin' her, but I'm human!" gesture as I squirmed and maneuvered around until D was up against him instead. She seemed quite happy to be there, anyway. At that point I called it quits for the night. Besides, it was just to frickin' hot and I was having the worst time trying to cool off. Calvin did nothing but raise an eloquent eyebrow at me. No words necessary when he can imply intent and tone in a look. Heh. Calvin and I beat our way through the crowd and to the door, and saw that everyone's attention out there was riveted toward the street. A brawl was in process, three guys against one guy who ended up having his shirt ripped off of him in short order. Listening to the catty complaints of a couple of women standing nearby, I derived that they were the girlfriends of two of the guys, who along with a friend were ganging up on the poor loner for hitting on the women back in the club. The kicker was that a cop was parked just down the road, leaning against his car door and observing the fight but making no move to do anything. The taunting, shoving, and more-or-less aimed and accurate swings continued up and down the street for a few minutes, until for some unknown reason the cop finally decided to intervene. He hit one guy square in the face with pepper spray, which quite effectively took him out of the fight. Calvin and I wandered off in disgust just as the cop's backup (6 more cop cars, plus a fire engine and an ambulance! Overkill, anyone?) showed up, with enough handcuffs for everybody! The last comment I heard from the women was their disgust that they would have to drive themselves home. Lordy. Good times. Despite the nap we had that afternoon, we were pretty wiped when we got home. Us poor old people, unused to so much partying. I slept as late as I could on Sunday, but still had to get up and do laundry and get myself ready for a 1:30 wedding shower that D was hosting for her soon-to-be sister-in-law. Said sister-in-law had attended the prior evening's festivities, and so was rather green around the gills when Marie and I arrived at Mimi's Cafe. I had behaved myself and only partook of two beers and a shot, so yes, I was a tad smug. I had no right to be (God knows I've made many offerings to the Porcelain God in my day), but I was anyway. There was some good natured ribbing going around, since the bride-to-be wasn't the only one hung over. Anyhoo, it was typical wedding shower fodder. The chatting, the dealing with diverse relations, the cake, the presents, the ooh-ing and ahh-ing. Marie and I kept making snarky comments to each other, sitting off at the edge of the group. The whole ordeal seemed to take FOREVER, and we didn't really know anyone other than D and some of the ladies I'd met the evening before. D does have a Granny, though, that reminds me heartbreakingly of my own. She's just the cutest thing, and kept telling me to "Come here, dear, and give Granny a hug." To which my voice went up an octave as I responded, "Okay, Granny!" We made our goodbyes at about 3:30, and hustled home to get ready for the REO Speedwagon/Styx/Journey concert at Cricket Pavilion (it's suffered a recent name change - it was so much cooler when it was Blockbuster Desert Sky Pavilion). It was still hotter 'n hell, but the breeze made it tolerable to be outside. We got lawn seats, and brought the obligatory blankets to lounge around on. The concert started at 6:30, and we didn't get out of there until after midnight. REO's members are so ancient I was afraid of hip-breakage, but they did a good job. Styx was dead on, obviously fresh off of their stint in the studio for their new album. Which apparently features a giant carrot on the cover, floating in space. Someone had to explain the image to me, up on the jumbotron behind the band. I was all, "Dude, vegetarians RAWK! Let's hear it for carrots!!!" Journey was good, as always, but Steve O. doesn't have the range that Steve P. did. Throughout, in homage to Dana, I not only made the Evil Fingers, I hollered "Evil Fingers!" whenever I did it. There were people crazy-dancing all over the place, including one guy down in front of us that knew EVERY drum lick and demonstrated, enthusiastically, on the air. Limbs flailing. Really, he was hazardous. His wife kept grabbing his hands, ostensibly to "hold" them, but really we knew she was just trying to make him stop. It was interesting to contrast this concert to the recent Yanni concert we went to. Where Yanni was transcendant, REO/Styx/Journey was comfy. Yanni was classy, R/S/J was nostalgic. Yanni left me FLOATING the next day, R/S/J left me tired the next day (today!). I mean, damn, that's a long-ass concert. But there are few things I enjoy more than going to a night concert at Cricket (Desert Sky, dammit!) Pavilion with my family. The weather was beautiful, and I adore lying back on the blanket and looking up at the DESERT SKY (dammit). We all pile up together, laying heads on laps and getting back scritches and rubs from each other. Calvin, Marie and I shared a moment during "Faithfully" where we (well, Marie and I) were singing at the top of our lungs, all of us with our arms around each other, swaying back and forth to the music. Concerts out there have turned out to be a family tradition. Marie and I were pondering what "oldie" concerts she would drag her kids to. Middle aged N-Sync? A geriatric Eminem? Dude! Our ticket stubs can get us in to see ZZ Topp in two weeks! For free! God bless America! Okay, so no, we aren't going. Not huge fans. But still! Free! Ooh, one concert we WILL be going to as soon as they announce the date is the Aerosmith/Kiss concert. Awww, yeah. We dragged our weary butts back into the house at about 12:30. I had enough energy to eat some Honeycomb (Hideout!), and Marie fussed at Calvin to get him to take her to get some fast food somewhere, but he stuck to his guns and told her to find something at home. I have no idea what she ate, as I bailed into the bedroom as Calvin was cracking open a CAN of TAMALES. TAMALES. In an CAN. ~shudder~ He said he wanted to see if they tasted "like he remembered" when he was a kid. Gack. Feeding your kid CANNED TAMALES?!? I heard Marie say, "Dude, that stuff on top looks like BILE," and Calvin respond, "I know, that's why I'm going to nuke it!" as I was retreating. And then, I was asleep. And then, it was Monday. And now, I'm ten minutes away from my 4:00 meeting. And tomorrow, there will officially be SEVEN working days and TEN calendar days to go until my sabbatical. Dude. That is like, sooooo gnarly.

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©Laura Charon 2000 - 2003.