May 31, 2006

Itself

A WritingWomyn contribution.

What is your biggest fear (rational or irrational)? Describe it in detail: how does it start and manifest? Are other people aware of it? If there’s a technical name for your phobia, give it. If not, make one up!

"aquaphobia: An irrational fear of water that is related to an abnormal fear of drowning and resultant death. Some aquaphobics are afraid of putting their faces into the water and getting it up into their noses; when this happens, they have a rapid heartbeat and breathe faster, often inhaling water, which further increases their anxiety and terror."

I have always had a fear of drowning. Or, well, not necessarily of drowning, for I am a good swimmer, but a fear of being held or trapped under water. As far as I know this has never happened to me - though I have very functional defense mechanisms that would block the instance out if it had happened in truth. The world may never know. If I watch a movie about someone being trapped under water - in a sunken ship with the scuba air running out, for instance - I get a sickening, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, like an 800 pound gorilla is pressing down on my abdomen. Sometimes I dream of being trapped under water - the method is unknown to me - bare inches below the surface. I strain and I strain, but can't lift my mouth up those inches in order to breathe. I can see my salvation, but am unable to reach it.

"Dreaming about drowning is common and it invokes fear. However, it may have positive significance. This dream suggests to the dreamer that he may be overwhelmed by unresolved emotions, old issues, or a current crisis. It suggests that a release of the old is necessary in order to emerge and begin anew. This dream serves to awaken the dreamer to embrace and to effectively cope with problems and negativity in his life."

How odd is it that I can be afraid of drowning, but not be afraid of swimming? Maybe it's not drowning I'm afraid of, but asphyxiation. That would make sense, what with my asthma and all.

"thantophobia: the excessive fear of death. If one fears death excessively, it can prevent them from being able to enjoy life. Often associated with hypochondria, morbid death fear can cause unnecessary worry and anxiety and can prevent the sufferer from being able to live life to the full."

I also have a very strong (and unhealthy, to my mind) fear and fixation about death. My death, my loved ones' deaths, deaths of friends and acquaintances, deaths of complete strangers. I worry about my own death in that the thought of me becoming nothing is petrifying. I do have faith and believe there is something after all of this worldly crap, but I don't know what that is, how it's going to come about, if it's going to hurt, am I going to be lonely, will I forget what I did and who I knew in life, will my loved ones follow me, will I recognize them? What if I'm just floating in darkness, with only my consciousness in existance? In the dark, with nothing to read? I can't occupy myself with my mind alone forever. What if, after death, I go mad from sensory deprivation? Can one go mad when one is dead?

You see the way my mind works.

Of course, the origin of this particular fear is easy to pinpoint. I've had quite enough experience with losing loved ones during my lifetime. I am very familiar with the process of grieving. As much as its happened (and I've had quite enough of it, thank you), I have never reconciled myself to the inevitability of death. And now I'm starting to freak myself out, thinking about it too much.

Moving on.

There is one last phobia that I can think of, that I have in abundance. That is the complete inability to watch a person embarrass themselves. I can handle my own embarrassment no problem. But when it comes to watching someone make a fool of themselves (as in "Punked"), perform poorly in a public function (i.e. karaoke), or in any other way, shape, form, or manner deal with an embarrassing situation, I can't watch. I can't listen. I actually go as far as to put my fingers in my ears so I can't hear. I've been known to go, "la la la", too. I cringe. My shoulders come up to my ears, my chin sinks down to my chest. I leave the room. I run like a little wussy. I just. can't. deal.

Calvin is trying to break me of it. "Just watch, Laura. No, don't cover your eyes, watch! Are you plugging your ears? No, you can't get up, just SIT THERE AND WATCH IT! I WILL fix you."

I would say that the fear of being trapped under water, the fear of death, and the inability to deal with another's embarrassment are the only fears that I'm morbid about. Others are fairly rational and understandable concerns - worrying when the kids go out and when they're not home on time; not particularly wanting to crash amidst a plane flight; wishing to remain gainfully employed; wanting my family to stay healthy and happy. See? I can be normal, too.

Just don't act a fool around me, I might hurt myself.

Some interesting phobias and manias I came across during the research for this entry:

acarophobia: Excessive fear of skin infestation by mites or ticks; fear of itching.
acerbophobia, acerophobia: Excessive fear of sourness.
aeluromania, eluromania: An absurd desire to have many cats to such a degree that some people have been known to have dozens of cats in an apartment or house.
agyrophobia: An abnormal fear of being near streets or of crossing a street.
albophobia: A fear of white people.
alektoromania: An abnormal desire to have multitudes of chickens to breed and to collect.
alliumphobia: An abnormal fear of garlic.
ambulophobia: An excessive fear of walking.
apeirophobia: An excessive fear of infinity.
apimania: An overwhelming interest in and desire to have bees around.
arachibutyrophobia: A morbid fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of one's mouth.
aulophobia: An abnormal fear of seeing, handling, or playing a flute or similar wind instrument.
automatonophobia: An abnormal fear of ventriloquists' dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues, or anything that represents a being that appears to have feelings or perceptions.
barophobia: A fear of gravity.
batrachophobia: A dread or aversion to frogs.

Hey, here's some more that apply to me! (Shut up, Calvin.)
bibliokleptomania: An uncontrollable or compulsive desire to steal and to possess books.
bibliokleptophobia: A fear that someone will steal books from a private collection or a special concern of librarians; especially, those who have rare and precious books.
bibliomania: An intense abnormal desire to collect and possess books, especially rare and curious ones.

Okay, I need to stop now. I've only gone through the "B's" and I could just keep on going. Besides which, I don't want to discover that I have any more abnormalities than the ones I already acknowledge.

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©Laura Charon 2000 - infinity.