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I was asleep for 10 minutes before Calvin came home. After being awakened from a nap, I find it impossible to go to sleep again. And yet, sometimes the 10-20 minutes is enough.
High: Uh, it's one day closer to Friday?
Low: I had to go to work at 6:00 a.m. today. Hence the aforementioned nap.
Crossing off some items from my To Do list!
I'm sure I grinned about something today, but mostly I was too busy.
Been mostly listening to classical music lately, which one can't really sing to.
We saw Michael off to boot camp.
Storyteller
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Dramatis Personnae
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June 12, 2002
Self Stuff
How does one say that she is generally self-sacrificing, acknowledges the needs of others before her own, and takes care of those other people's needs before her own to the extent that she goes rather unnoticed and uncared for by her own self... without sounding like a self-centered prig?
As much as I like to think that I do a lot of inward-focusing, listening to my inner self, blah blah blah... at one point several weeks ago I was startled to discover in myself a hidden anger *toward* myself. Shocking, I know, that such a thing can be going on in one's mind all unbeknownst and whatnot. But there it was, hiding away like a dark little seed, waiting for me to happen upon it as I'm rummaging through my mind, passing it on my way to the contemplation of my grocery list.
And that angry little nugget, when flushed out and shown the light of day, germinated (okay, enough with the metaphor already) into the thought that, hey! Running a little low on battery power, here. Time to reassess and recharge - and I'm talking about the recharging that comes only from *inside*. The acknowledgement of little needs, little issues. The little things that are done for oneself that are the first to be left by the wayside when items need to be dropped off the bottom of the list to make way for the new items being added to the top of the list.
Which is not to say that I'm a slave to my own life (well, maybe a little). Which is not to say that I am neglected by my significant other or my family (not even a little). Which is not to say that I don't get my fair share of foot rubs and kitchens made sparkly clean by the time I come home from work and couch snuggling and spontaneous hugs.
But there are some things, core to my being, that I require to remain happy and balanced (and pleasant to be around) that I just haven't been doing lately. Or rather, *hadn't*. Because I'm finding that life, personal happiness, and daily mental balance is not in the big things at all, but in the little things. Whether they seem silly or unimportant to other people or not, they're *mine*. They don't have to be the same as other people's, too.
Things like having good books on hand, and finding a few opportunities each week, however brief, in which to indulge in them. And when that reading material is low, actually going to a book store and spending a happy hour browsing. By myself. Because when I go with someone else, I feel like I need to rush. And then *buying* the books that I want, instead of feeling like I should be spending the money on someone or something else. Because sometimes I deserve treats, too.
Or like finding the opportunity and the time which least impacts on our personal time together, to see a movie that I want to see which Calvin isn't interested in. By myself, if I have to. And if I really want to see it in the theater rather than waiting for it to come out on DVD, that's okay. I am not embarrassed that sometimes I want the full blown popcorn eating, feet sticking to the floor, long lines and stupid ticket prices theater experience. (Hence my excursion with a girlfriend to see "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" the other day. Which was quite, quite good. The lack of this resolve has forced me to see Harry Potter, and soon The Lord of the Rings, on not-as-fun-and-dramatic DVD.)
Or the fact that there is no shame in wanting alone time. Wanting alone time doesn't automatically translate into "I don't like you people, go away". Nor does it mean that I have a problem. Nor does it require a feeling of guilt that I'm neglecting someone who needs paying attention to. I just need to recognize the (sometimes immediate and agonizing) requirement I have to detoxify myself from the barrage of plain and simple *input* I get from every direction, every day.
And of course, there's the ever-present need to write. That need that I've had since I was very, very little. That need that I still have even though it's been somewhat stationary lately.
And finally, I've recognized that I need to prioritize my health. This means eating better, and taking the time to make my breakfast and lunch in the morning instead of just "grabbing something". This means working out daily, which also helps in the aforementioned "detoxification". This means sometimes exploring the murky depths of kitchen experimentation, the results of which may or may not result in an emergency trip to Taco Bell. This means taking a couple of hours out of a Sunday afternoon to research recipes, plan menus, compose grocery lists, and go shopping. And finally, this means that Trader Joe's will make out like bandits.
There. Not so difficult. Time to read, time to see a movie or two, time to be alone, time to write, and time to take care of my health. These time requirements may come from the time I *used* to spend taking care of or doing other things - another reason my journal hath suffered lately. TV watching shall suffer (no great loss since I'm not obsessed with many shows these days). My work won't suffer, but you can be damn sure I'm limiting how often I work through lunch, and how often I come in early/work late. We have a name for it here at AcronymCo - Work Life Balance. So far it's only been a rumored and elusive phenomenon.
Time with my family will not suffer - if anything, it'll improve. A happy, healthy, sane Laura is a much more pleasant Laura to be around.