June 24, 2006

Men

"Write about the man (men) who have been important in your life, be they fathers, "surrogate dads", or just males of the species who have impressed and/or molded you as a person."

I'm stumped for a beginning, here. I've been fatherless my entire life. Or, well, his influence in my life ended far before I was able to form memories of him. Which, according to my sister, is just as well. I didn't find myself mourning the lack during my childhood, though a few years ago I started to wonder if I should try to get in touch with him. I wouldn't know him if I fell over him, but my sister knows how to get in contact with him. I thought about it off and on for a while, talked to Calvin and my sister about it, and in the end decided that I should just leave things as they are. It would really be useless to try to reestablish a relationship with my father, as I'd only be doing it to form a more secure sense of my roots, and he has no better knowledge of my childhood than I do. Besides which, I know the reason that he and my mother split up, and suffice to say I have no desire whatsoever to claim a blood relationship with a man who has done the awful things that I've been told about.

So. I guess that my father was important in my life for the very lack of him. My mother, and then my grandmother, raised me in such a way that I didn't feel like I was missing out. My family was just of a different sort than a lot of my friends' families. I didn't understand the "Daddy's Girl" thing, or the "Wait until your father gets home" thing. I guess the only lack is that there was one less person there to love me and care for me, who could tell me what my first words were or what time I was born, who could teach me how to drive and could interrogate my first boyfriend.

My mother had a boyfriend at the time of her death, and he continued to stay in contact with my sister and me throughout our lives. He's the man that my sister's children call "Grandpa", and who she calls "Dad". I lost touch with him as I progressed into my teen years, but I'm glad he's such a big part of my sister's family's life. And he always has a big smile and wonderful, warm hug for me when I go back home.

The first real, consistent male influence in my life came from X(m). Which is a very, very sad thing for me to have to say. Because X(m) is not what I would call an exemplary representation of the gender. For instance, in just what we could call the socially recognized duties of a "good man" - a good provider, able to tend to his responsibilities, knowledgeable about the way the world works, someone who finishes what he starts, who puts his family first, who is a stand-up individual - X(m) fell (and continues to fall, I'm sure) woefully short. The only thing I learned from him is how to suffer from, and then get away from, an abusive relationship. I did learn how to be very self-sufficient, in every way, because of him. I had to be, or else our lives would have gone to shit.

So! I credit X(m) with ingraining in me the knowledge of how to take care of myself, how to be secure in who I am, and how NOT to believe that I'm worthless and everything is my fault.

Which brings me to Calvin. This is a damned short list - there really, really has been no other male influence in my life other than the passing, casual exposure to my friends' dads, and the domineering men of my Grandmother's congregation. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I'm a girl, so I guess being raised by and mentored by females is a natural enough thing.

Calvin's qualifying attributes as a man are easily listed. He's dependable, hard working, a good father, supportive, responsible, puts his family first, knows how to do/fix/make EVERYTHING (which I think I've mentioned two or three or five times before), and upon observation is pretty much everything that is societally expected of a man. He has taught me that not only should I expect to be accepted and loved for who I am, I should demand it. He has given me the opportunity (and responsibility) of being part of a family. He has encouraged me to go to school, pursue my interests, and make plans with him for our future. Most importantly (and the biggest difference between him and X(m)), he wants to work with me toward that future.

Sometimes it still boggles my mind that he's the real thing. I mean sure, he's not perfect (like I am?), we get mad or frustrated at each other, and there are things I could suggest to him for improvement (I'm sure he has a list, too). Yeah, I probably developed a view of what a husband should be that was overly influenced by romance novels. I had nothing else to go by in my childhood and teen years other than what I read or saw on TV. I've learned now to be much more realistic in my expectations.

I guess that's how I can sum all of this up. The men in my life have taught me what reality is. Neglect and abandonment, then abuse, and now fulfillment and partnership. Weird. I never thought of it that way.

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©Laura Charon 2000 - infinity.