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prev home archive next Momentary Thought I have the weirdest dreams. Last night I dreamed that NPR played a recording of my sister singing to me when I was a baby, and I heard it over the radio. To my knowledge, such a recording does not exist. Yet in my dream the recording made me cry to hear it, and I dreamed that I remembered singing along with my sister when I was, like, two. Anyone care to have a go at an interpretation? High/Low High: Got a letter from Michael yesterday (see below). Low: Rough work week. Current Obsession Finances. Do I ever obsess about anything else? Grin Source Good god, I could waste a lot of time here. Singing Vacation, all I ever wanted... Vacation, dyin' to get away... The Go-Go's, "Vacation" Storyteller Bio Dramatis Personnae Who I Read Recipes |
I have a noisy brain. There is never a time when my mind is not dwelling on something. From the time I wake up in the morning until the time I go to sleep, I'm always thinking about, stewing about, worrying over, or analyzing something. Usually several somethings at once. The single thing I put the most thought into is my relationship with Calvin. He's a high maintenance kind of fellow, requiring a lot of my emotions and energy - in a good way. It's automatic for me to pick up the phone and call him several times a day. It's second nature for me to not make a decision until I at least internalize it and test it against the "what would make Calvin happy" criteria. It's a pleasure for me to do little things - making (preferred) meatloaf instead of (indifferent) tacos, buying Killian's instead of Icehouse - that will inspire a "hey, that's cool!" from him. Little things, but they do require thought. Deeper than that is the mental energy I put into the foundation of our relationship. Trust, respect, consideration, friendship. All of those aspects are very solid, but still require thought and discussion. Trust is hard-won with Calvin, since his automatic feeling is to distrust everyone, but especially his significant other. This stems from his relationship with X(f), which was such a big part of his life - time-wise, during his adolescence and into adult-hood - that he learned to simply not trust women at all. I'll be battling that one for the rest of my life, I'm sure. Respect is closely tied in with trust - we're of the "I'll respect you because you're respectable" school. We respect a person for that person's attitude, behavior, and personality. Not just because they hold a title. Case in point, X(f) is of the school "You Will Respect Me Because I'm Your Mother". But regardless of her title, her behavior certainly hasn't been anything inspiring respect. In anyone, let alone her offspring. So I put a lot of thought and effort into being a respectable person, so that Calvin feels respect for and toward me because I deserve it. Consideration sometimes falls by the wayside, when two people get comfortable in their relationship. I find myself doing, or not doing, things that I didn't do, or did, before - that fall under the category of consideration. Monitoring my tone of voice so as not to be crass or sarcastic, for one thing. Folding the laundry and putting it away, instead of leaving it in a (clean) lump in the basket. Calvin is guilty of it, too - allowing his temper to seep in where it didn't before, or insinuating a testy tone to his teasing. The key here is to recognize the areas in which we "slip", and acknowledge that it's not the end of the world just because he feels comfortable enough to fart in front of me (has he ever *not* felt comfortable enough? I forget...), and I don't have to feel guilty because instead of cooking six nights a week like I used to, I only cook three nights a week. Finally is the friendship Calvin and I enjoy. The tone of which has adjusted as our relationship grew, to be sure. When we were "just" friends we had nothing to lose, so I could view his relationship with X(f) without jealousy, and he could tease me about going out on dates as a pal. Then, of course, our relationship evolved, and so did our friendship. His hair gets combed forward if another man is attentive to me, I roll my eyes a bit harder at his comments about those boobs or that ass. Our actions directly impact on each other's lives, and so the "friendship" is colored by the "spouse" reaction. But we can still talk about anything under the sun. I still go to him for advice, he still counts on my good sense. We share the same sense of humor and taste in entertainment. Like best friends, there's nobody else's company we'd prefer to be in. Marie is also a source of mental exercise. Michael is, too, to a certain degree. But since he's off to boot camp and has gotten a good start on his adult life, my concerns have been focussing more around Marie. How to be a good role model for her. How to make sure she gets all the information and instruction she needs to navigate through her teenage years successfully. Concern about her relationship with her mother, and hope that she takes the good and discards the bad - including the bad example that her mother sometimes represents. Making sure she's happy, but not spoiled. Instilling a sense of responsibility in her, and a sense of caring about how her actions/requests/moods impact others. Above all, trying to be a good friend to her. All these concerns - plus all the day-to-day tactical stuff that comes with being in a relationship - are always rummaging around in my brain. When I wake up, while I'm at work, when I'm at school... all the other inputs of my day to day existence are infiltrated by this primary mental focus. Running like an operating system at the back of my mind is the day to day details of grown-up life. What needs to be accomplished. What needs to be purchased. What needs to be fixed. Things I can do to make Calvin happy. Things I can do to make Marie happy. What's for dinner. What appointments need to be made. Getting the mail. Doing chores. When are we ever going to organize the damned garage. Missing and worrying about Michael. Dealing with X(f). Maintaining the vehicles. Paying attention to the animals. I think about money, and our financial future, and our debt, about forty times a day. Whenever I'm reminded that we can't build that spa, or go on that vacation, or buy that new truck, because we have too much debt. Then, of course, is my job. In reviewing all the stuff I've written about here so far, it's hard to believe there's anything left of my brain to concentrate on the myriad of things going on at work. What my day's priorities are. What my week's priorities are. What fires exist to be fought. How to placate my boss. How to advance my career. Who I have to meet with. What report I have to write. What presentation I have to give. Chairing meetings. Participating in meetings. Scheduling meetings. Declining meetings. What projects are needed, and what's best to implement. Involving stakeholders. Appeasing the fussers. What hoops exist to jump through. I think about school about three times a day, when being a non-salaried employee is glaring in its annoyance. I think that pretty much sums it up. Calvin, the kids, chores, finances, work, and school. Oh, and the website. Can't forget about that. How long has it been since I lasted updated. Whether or not I'm going to contribute to my collab. Whether or not I'm going to contribute to other people's collabs. Other journallers that I care about very much, and how well they're doing. Whether or not I'm going to JournalCon. How much storage space I have left at Dreamhost. I am the creator of a perpetual motion machine. It's inside my head. |
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Michael's Update Box
We got a letter from Michael in last night's mail. I'm so pleased that he's been so good about writing to us. It's actually a little surprising, but I guess the frequency of his letters is evidence of a) how much he loves us, and b) how much boot camp sucks. It made us smile to "hear" his voice in this letter: July 8th Yo yo yo, 'sup yo, Hi guys. How was camping? Wish I could have gone. I saw that 929 again. It made me wonder how Dad's bike was doin' ;-> So you want to hear about my typical day huh? Here goes: 5:15 a.m. Lights on with 30 seconds to one minute to get dressed and outside. March to chow hall. 10 minutes to eat. March back to the house. 1 hour of cleaning. 6:30 a.m. Change into P.T. (Physical Testing) clothes. From about 6:45-7:00 we stretch and then we run about a mile to our workout area. Work with the group for about an hour then form up for the 3-5 mile run. Run that, then work on pull ups, sit ups, and other things for about an hour. Form up for another run. Then we run home and grab a 30 second to one minute shower, get dressed, and go eat. Then on some days we go to class and others we drill... (i.e. right shoulder arms, left face, marching movements), or both. We do that until... 5:30 p.m. Eat, come back, drill some more, then we get mail, hygiene, line up for inspection, then lights out at 9:30. Well, that's my day, for the most part. HA!!! My day is now harder than yours are :) Thanks for the two letters. They was coo. Send more pics if you find some. Well, I'm gonna get going now, church calls. Love you and miss you guys. Going on excentric, Dork Boy |