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So yeah, aside from what I sent out to my Notify List, I hadn't planned on updating until I got back from Maine. It still says that on the index page. But now I find that everything's done and I've got all this time on my hands until my plane leaves tonight. It's a measure of AcronymCo's sadistic brainwashing that even at a time like this, I still felt obligated to go to work right up until the last minute, and I feel guilty that I decided to take today off after all. But truly, I would get absolutely nothing of use done. My head is distracted, my heart is aching, and my stomach is in a knot. Yeah. Like I want to sit in meetings and type reports. Fuck that. My sister called me at work yesterday at about 3:00, and let me know that they were trying to decide whether or not they should take my Grandmother off the meds they have her on to keep her going. They're causing her discomfort - she can feel pain, as a result of her body still being hydrated. If they take her off them, she'll go numb and not feel pain, and she'll pass relatively quickly. But if they do it now, it means that I won't see her alive again. I told Susan to tell the doctor to do it. I'm not going to have my Grandmother suffering one minute longer than she has to. She's not been awake in days, and she wouldn't know if I were there or not. I'm in her heart and she's in mine, she knows how much I love her and my spirit is there with her. If I get there before she passes, then I'll say the goodbyes my sister has already spoken for me. If not, I know that she received and read the letter I sent her before her illness really took her. Susan says Gram had her read it to her at least 80 times, and they cried each time. I told her how grateful to her I was, how wonderful it was of her to bring me up, and what a good job I think she did. So I know that she knows how I feel. But, good God, I just realized. I was the one to make that decision. They didn't want to make it until they knew if I wanted them to wait until I got home or not. God damn, this sucks. There's too much to write about, and no way to get it out of my head. Not right now. Maybe later, when it's not crowding at my senses so much. It took me a *long* time to write about my mother, and Brad. It may take just as long to write about Gram - but I don't think so. Someday soon, but not right now. Losing Gram as a person and loved one, losing that connection to my childhood, facing death for the first time as an adult, travelling back home alone and under these circumstances, losing trust in a family member who used my grandmother's circumstances to benefit himself, never being able to go "home" again - there's so many facets of this situation that suck. Yeah, and as I look at that word, "suck" doesn't even begin to scratch the surface. Calvin's terribly worried about me, which actually helps make me feel better. It's nice to know that someone is worried about me, because I can't worry about myself right now. His support has been a godsend, and I wish with all my heart that he could go with me back to Maine. There's so many things I have to face alone, and I don't want to. AB came through (another godsend) with a free airline ticket, otherwise it would have been a tough thing for even me to go. Airlines really rape you when you have to make a last minute, emergency flight. After I got off the phone with her, when she told me she'd take care of everything, I just cried and cried. Travel, rental car, changeovers, routes, fees, maps - she took care of it all. All I have to pay for is the taxes on the ticket, and the car. Some day I'll be able to make her understand how wonderful I think she, and her mom (who is the one who gave up her ticket) are. I have cried, off and on, since Saturday. But not the intense, cleansing type that I can feel is still bubbling under the surface. I just cry to ease the pressure for a bit, and then block up the walls again. I feel numb, and my brain skitters away from thinking about anything too hard. I'm just taking it moment by moment. Calvin promises to be there when I finally do break down, which can't possibly happen until I get back home again. Dawn is visiting next weekend on business, and her company will help. Viv's correspondence with me over the past few days has been a huge comfort. Between them, and AB, and Calvin, and all the readers who have written to express their condolences, I'm staying sane. And now I'm writing about it, and that's helping, too. All along, I've written and maintained this website under the name of "Laura Charon". You all know isn't my "real" name. It's my grandmother's. I love her so much. Okay, guys, now I'm going to head off and take care of a last few details, and try to call my sister again. Everyone take care, and thanks for all your loving and kind support. |