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August 14, 2003 Thoughts on Thursday Yet another entry that isn't a continuation of the Maui trip. Dawn is putting me to shame; she got her entries up about her trip to Peru almost as soon as she got back... nine of 'em. I will get to it - Calvin is still busting me up about it, and I'm wondering when he'll learn that pestering me about something just means I'll take longer to do it (I'm not that way on purpose, it's just the way I work). He's still tweaked that I didn't write entries about our honeymoon in California. I tell him, "Hey, I wrote about the most important part - the wedding! At this moment, Marie is laughing hysterically at an episode of Friends, while doing her homework on the living room floor. It's nearing the end of her first week in school, and she's eager to start off on the right foot and keep up good study habits. Calvin is an hour into a phone conversation with a friend that he's known since he was four. It cracks me up to watch him on the phone - he gestures when he talks, even though the person on the other end can't see him. I myself am at loose ends - I've wandered outside three times in the last twenty minutes, watching an impending storm roll in. I got the coffee ready for the morning. I sat and flipped through all the channels twice, then got up again and wandered into the bedroom to write. It's started raining. A couple of nights ago, Calvin and I were laughing over my old hand-written journals. My early childhood journals were lost to a vindictive bonfire set by my bitter ex, but I still have the ones dating back to age sixteen - and the six months or so before I got married to X(m). I think they frightened Calvin - he never would have married me if he'd read them before he asked. I know that they rather embarrassed me. Lists of housework to be accomplished (and how much time it took me!), nineteen "things to live by" ("Love, be open, be honest!"), the feed schedule I used for my horse, lists of college classes I wanted to take, and a pro-con list weighing the benefits of living in my Grandmother's (free!) apartment, or moving out on our own. Pages and pages of neurotic self-consciousness (Does he love me? Am I fat? Am I pretty enough?), and pages and pages of furious scribbling prompted by X(m)'s slights ("Why did you marry me, you idiot, IF YOU DIDN'T LOVE ME?!?"). Oh, and a short story that started off even WORSE than, "It was a dark and stormy night." It doesn't even bear repeating here. And another short story entitled "Conversations in the Flower Garden". About flowers. Talking to each other. Oi. What prompted me to drag out those old journals was a question by a reader, who asked me if I have to watch what I write about, given the fact that my journal is such a public thing. And I certainly do write differently here than I would in a private journal. I can't altogether describe why, but it's almost like the things I write about on the website are part of a story - everything true, but still held a bit at arm's length. I have a reticence about completely spilling all of my guts here - maybe because friends and family read. I don't know, it's hard to describe. I'm choosing my words now, instead of just letting things pour out of me. I'm wondering what people who I'll see face-to-face will be thinking in the privacy of their own minds, while I've spilled mine for all the world to read about. Maybe I want to keep a piece of myself to myself, and keep things even between us - have a safe place to stand while I wonder why I don't know these people better, when they know just about everything about me. I sometimes feel like I've revealed too much of myself, and other times resent myself for not spilling it all. It's a dichotomy of feelings. Maybe I just feel restricted because I swear WAY more in real life than I do on the website. Shit shit shit. Fuck fuck fuck. There was a glaring difference between this website and the handwritten journals we were looking over. I wrote about things without worrying about if they sounded foolish or neurotic. No one was reading, and it was a purge. I wrote, not out of obligation, but out of need or want. This journal is becoming dangerously close to not being that to me, anymore. Case in point - yes, part of the reason I haven't written very much lately is because I've been furiously busy since going back to work. But the other part of it is because I don't work well writing under the shadow of an assignment or duty. Even as I type Calvin is pestering me about the Maui entry; that I have an assignment to finish and then I can go on and write about "whatever I want" when I'm done. I know that every time I put up an entry that isn't about Maui, he'll say something about it. To him, this journal is a commitment, not a hobby. Because other people have expectations - I have an obligation to my dedicated readers. I have a responsibility. He's quantified my obligation. One entry a week would be fulfilling my "duty". When the heck did this hobby, purge, need to write that becomes a physical thing sometimes - when did this become another chore that I have to do? He's concerned that I'm angering and disappointing my readers because I don't write often enough. He's made a prediction that this site won't be up a year from now. Here's some laundry for you, dear readers. That pissed me off. I love Calvin dearly, don't get me wrong. He just has certain ideas of the way things should be done, and that extends to my website. There's no way to put this next comment delicately - while I value his opinion and feedback, as I do all of my readers, he still has no more effect over when I write, or what I write about, than any of my other readers. I do this for me, first. I'm simply sharing this with him, as I'm sharing it with you all. Yes, yes, I'll admit that there is a slight difference - I'm married to him, he's my best friend, and there are even some things that I run past him before I post, to make sure I'm not crossing any lines that shouldn't be crossed. I respect him, highly, and I'm glad that my website is so important to him. (And he just took credit for "giving me something to write about".) It is, however, still mine. Whether I update or not is not an indication of my personal integrity or dedication. I refuse to lose the delight I have in it. I'll write, and share, and even take breaks for weeks at a time. I will continue to write based on my needs (because it's all about memememe!). Still, I love my readers and I'm humbled that you consider my life, thoughts, opinions, and stories interesting enough to spend some of your time here with me. So let me ask you all, are you disappointed? I do care, but I'm also not going to force my writing - and I know all of you understand that. Because when I'm writing when I need to write, it's the real thing. Which is why I think many of you visit me over many of the myriad of other personal websites out there. There. I feel better. I've really come across as self-centered and self-involved here, haven't I? But I've re-affirmed to myself why I do this, and have reminded myself of what's important to me. The storm's over.

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©Laura Charon 2000 - 2003.