prev
archive
blog
next
I'm thinking about Calvin. I usually get calls from him throughout the day, but I haven't heard from him and can't reach him. I wonder if he left his phone at home?
I'm grateful for my family and my health and my family's health. A co-worker is going through some family trauma - both of his parents are in the hospital dealing with cancer, and his grandmother is also in the hospital about to have her foot amputated because of diabetes - she's 91 and probably won't survive the experience. It must be so overwhelming.
I'm not managing my stress very well today, I'm afraid.
A PowerPoint file that Lilly just sent me of Saddam Hussein playing his version of "Rock Paper Scissors".
Nothing, I was listening to NPR on the ride to work.
2003 - Sometimes.
2002 - Daily bread, and we got Ozzy.
2001 - No entry.
Storyteller
Bio
People
Links
Recipes
Books
August 27, 2004
Just Keep Swimming
Favorite self-quote of the day: "Oh, you've got to fucking be kidding me!" Quoth I, as the alarm clock woke me up this morning. I turned it off, and then laughed at myself.
"Just keep swimming... just keep swimming..." These words have become my mantra. This week has been particularly busy at work. The back to back meetings, meetings through lunch, working until 7:00 (well, just one night) kind of week that comes about once a month. I have three Gigantica Projects, the due-dates of which deliverables are converging disturbingly close to one another. Then I have two Sub-Gigantica Projects, which are good opportunities for visibility and customer relations, but finding the time to do some quality work on them is becoming a challenge. And then there's the Gigantica (Date To Be Determined) Project that is looming for sometime next year, the implementation of which will be good for AcronymCo's bottom line, but bad for my stress level.
Just keep swimming.
Something I just heard a few minutes ago - the higher ups of one of the Gigantica projects can't determine a Systems rep at our plant in Costa Rica, so I might get to go over there for a couple of weeks to prepare things for implementation. That's a mighty big "might", fraught with such hurdles as cost cutting and the fact that I'm hourly so they'd have to pay me for travel time. Even if I did go, it's not like I'd get to vacation while I'm there. But still! Costa Rica! Plus, the woman that I would likely go over with is a) very fun and nice; and b) from Costa Rica, so I would not get lost. Which is a very important factor, to me, when faced with out-of-country (or in-country, come to think of it) travel. (Ack. I have no passport. Note to self.)
Wrestling with my projects will also become more of a challenge, as I have been approved for changing my schedule to four 10-hour days, with Fridays off, starting sometime in October. I'm not sure how long I can keep that schedule for - my boss says I'm approved for a temporary shift change, but I'm not changing back until someone yells. Calvin, upon hearing of my schedule change, cried, "You suck!" And promptly got that "honey do" gleam in his eye, which I nipped right in the bud, there, buster. It's certain that I will be no slacker and will do some useful things during that day off, but the whole intent and purpose of the schedule change was to enable me to do some things for my mental health. House work and errands do not qualify as "mentally healthy activities".
What I have decided to do is join a gym. The announcement of this plan was met with a derisive snort from Calvin, followed by, "Are you going to sell the equipment, then?" Yes, we have a universal weight machine, and yes, we have an elliptical machine. And yes, I intend to (NEED to) continue to use both. I'm not the type that likes to work out on the machinery at a gym - frankly, it squicks me out that someone else has just got done sweating on this stationary bike, or just had their sweaty ass on that weight machine. I like knowing that if there's any DNA on the equipment, it's my own (heh, I just had a Beevis moment). I'm joining this gym for the classes, in hopes of finding some kind of interest in exercising, since my current routine (theoretical - I haven't worked out in three weeks) is mind-bogglingly boring.
It strikes me that I am being terribly parenthetical in this entry.
There's a Cardio Sculpt class and a Water Aerobics class (heh, I'll have to think about that one) on Friday mornings, and a beginner's Kung Fu class on Saturday mornings. HOW I will be able to attend that class without constantly thinking of the Geiko commercial with the gecko singing "Everybody was Kung Fu fighting!", and singing out loud, and yelling, "Hi-yah!" with the kicks and the chops, is beyond me. I'm hoping that future Friday and Saturday schedules will include Yoga and Kickboxing - they're at other times during the week right now. The best part about this gym, though, is that it's only $20 a month and there's no contract, just a month-to-month membership. The yoga studio I was contemplating joining is $99 a month.
To change topics completely with no segue whatsoever, I'm worried about Calvin. He has been uncharacteristically quiet and distant over the past week or so. He's bored with life and stressed, and has voiced some complaints about me over the past month - some of which I agree with and feel appropriately sorry for, and others... not so much. Oh, I'm very sure I could be doing more for the health and well-being of our relationship... I could always be doing more. And so could he.
We're both at the point where we're doing all we can to get along in life, and what's left over at the end of the day to give to each other isn't as much as usual. I'm doing the best I can right now, and I know he is too. Well, and maybe the "best I/he can" isn't quite accurate. Maybe "the best we feel like doing" is more the reality of it. Occasionally we get into the rabbit season/duck season of, "I'm doing more." "No, I'm doing more." "No, I am." And once we start measuring how much each of us is giving, well, it's a steep and rapid descent into pettiness.
And here I will air a wee bit of grief about my boy. It's nothing new and nothing I haven't voiced - here and to him - before. Calvin goes through these spells occasionally, where nothing will please him and very little makes him happy. He's my high-maintenance fellow. He hates it when I call him that, but it's been my experience that the very things that people violently protest being called are what they very strongly suspect that they might actually be.
I can hear Calvin now. "Hi, Kettle? This is Pot. You're black."
And before he cries "No fair!", let me just list the things lately that make being in a relationship with me a pain in the ass. When I get stressed, I turn off and tune out. I don't make as much of an effort toward the "little things". I don't get as concerned as I probably should toward voiced unhappiness with my relationship performance. Basically it's, "So he thinks I suck? Oh, well." I don't take teasing well, and snap when before I would have laughed. I have very little patience, and essentially lose some of my niceness. For instance, a snippet of conversation from last night:
Calvin: "Will you rub my feet?"
Me: "No."
Calvin: "?!?"
Me: "I don't feel like it."
It's a spell, it's cyclical, it'll turn around. I miss our usual closeness like crazy. Most of all, I miss that top of the world feeling I have when I know that Calvin thinks I'm the neatest person in the world. I think I've slipped in the polls a bit. Next weekend's trip to see the kids will be good for us. We just need some time to reconnect, I think. At least, that's what I need, I hope it's the same for Calvin. Because if the only way to cure his mood is to win the lottery so he can quit work, well, it might be a long haul ahead of us.
Just keep swimming.
Comments on this entry? Head on over to Colloquial!