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Momentary Thought
My boss' boss just approached me about "Federal Labor Laws" and why I shouldn't be working through lunch. AcronymCo purports the support of "Work Life Balance", and yet they want to get aggravated at me because I want to work through lunch so I can leave an hour early to get Marie at school. Yeah, that makes all kinds of sense.
High/Low
High: The checkbook balanced the first try. It always does, but it still seems like a novel thing to me.
Low: Poor Calvin has to work on Thanksgiving Day. But, he gets triple pay for it. It *kind of* balances out.
Current Obsession
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Grin Source
Kyle's mom? Yeah, she's a bitch.
Singing
Chewin' on a piece of grass
Walkin' down the road...
America - "Ventura Highway"
A Year Ago
More or less
Calvin's nightmare about naked DNA stealing men.
Storyteller
Bio
Dramatis Personnae
Who I Read
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I remember commenting in here somewhere about my lack of lung power. Calvin blew in my face and my hair whipped around. I blew at him from the same distance, and it never reached him. We roughhouse and get in a tickle contest, and I have to plead for a break because my lungs have given out. I'm gasping for breath after about 10 minutes of exercise. Physical activity requires a preparatory puff on the ol' inhaler about 20 minutes beforehand.
Yea verily, I am blessed with Limp Lungs.
And I wonder at my lack of energy and dearth of sound and satisfying sleep?? I think I don't notice it because I've always operated at this level of lung capacity. And yet, I wonder what my life would be like if I had healthy lungs? Really, the more I think of how shallowly I breathe, and how oxygen-starved my body must be, I get a little worried.
So I made an appointment with my doctor to investigate some new asthma treatments. I have a rescue inhaler, and a puffer that has steroids in it that I'm supposed to (but am not) using twice a day. It's just a damned good thing I'm not a smoker - I'd be dead.
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Yesterday I started an entry, that I was going to finish today, about being homesick. I'm not in the same place I was yesterday when I started it, so this won't the dramatic mourn-fest it was going to be. Homesickness hovered over me like a fog so thick I was almost surprised to find that no one else saw it. People smiled at me and addressed me in the hallways, and my mouth moved and my voice responded. But I felt like I was talking from the bottom of a well, I was so distracted by my feelings.
Then, abruptly, I was able to function normally again. I got home from work, started dinner, horsed around with Calvin, and dealt with normal life. The homesickness, while still there, was beaten down so that it wasn't at the forefront anymore. It's always hovering, though. Sometimes it's actual location-homesickness. Maine, with it's fall colors and crisp air, harvest fairs and sharp-bright stars, silence and peace. Other times it's Grandma-homesickness. I miss her terribly, to such an extent that I don't think I've even fully realized how much. And then there's childhood-homesickness, a place and a time that I can never get back to again.
I don't know if Calvin and I will ever get back to Maine, but I pray that someday we can. Not just for a visit or vacation - that's so much of a tease that I regret the ending of the time spent there even before the trip has begun. I want to *move* back there. After Marie's done with school. After our debt is managed. When $50,000/year jobs aren't absolutely mandatory for our lifestyle. I know that I'd be perfectly content - ecstatic, even - with a simple job and a simple home, a little country house surrounded by trees and fields, with our stupid citified dogs trying to figure out what the heck a squirrel is.
There's always a trade-off, though. Calvin would have to deal with the same homesickness I'm suffering now. I can do it - I've done it, after all, for the last eight years. But Calvin has lived within the same 20-mile radius for all of his 38 years. Also, Calvin has a need for a... hmm... more sophisticated environment than Maine has to offer. Especially in the winter - I know him, he'd go stir-crazy at getting snowed in. He wouldn't - Would Not - deal with having to de-snow and de-ice his vehicle. Stuff that Maineiacs just *deal* with as a matter of course, he'd spin himself into the ground over. He'd hate the fact that "running to the store" involves a half-hour car ride one way. Phoenix has a lot more in the way of entertainment than the entire state of Maine has to offer. Not that Maine doesn't have stuff to do, it's just not on the same level as Phoenix. Homey, as opposed to High Class. Campy, as opposed to Svelte.
I'd say comfy and stress-free. He'd say hickish and boring. I'm Country Mouse, he's City Mouse. He likes the outdoors, but not enough to *live* in the country. Sometimes he professes differently, but I know better. My boy needs to *be* entertained, not entertain *himself*.
The best compromise would be to spend summers in Maine, and winters in Arizona. Yeah, right, we're right around the corner from *that* happening. Phooey.
I do like Arizona. It's a beautiful and diverse state, and if I could live up north, I'd be much closer to being happy. This city rat-race is really getting me down, and it's the complete opposite of who and what I am. But I wonder if it would be enough to be in the high country - lovely as it is, it isn't *home*. If it's necessary to stay in Arizona, though, perhaps it would be an adequate compromise. As long as I could get back to Maine frequently. I need the coast, and the familiar small towns, and the *seafood*. I'd like to maintain a closer relationship with my sister, and my niece and nephews.
I'm afraid that if I stay away, I'll live with this depression forever. I'm not cut out to be a depressed person. Calvin should know me when I'm at my best. The feeling of happiness he expressed to me when we've visited Maine, that's the way I am all the time when I'm home. Vibrating with happiness. At peace and happy to just wake up in that place every morning. Even those trips back home, happy as they were, were overshadowed with the knowledge that we'd be leaving. How incredible it would be to know that we were there to stay.
If only I could know that Calvin would be just as happy. As sad as I feel being away from home, I'd never want him to have to deal with that. I'd rather deal with it myself, than know that Calvin feels that way. I just would not be able to be happy.
Yep. Summer in Maine, winter in Arizona. There really is no other way.