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October 10, 2003 Functioning Insomniac / Lucky to be Bored I'm tired this morning. Some of it is psychological. It's just 7:00 and I've been at work for twenty minutes. Under normal conditions, I'd just be getting into the shower right now, after dragging myself out of the bed that somehow became more comfortable during the night. Being thrown out of my routine, by no desire of my own, is continually drawing my eyes down to the clock on the bottom right-hand corner of my screen. It should be later. Or, I should be elsewhere. My tiresomely achy neck and back prevented me from getting any kind of sleep last night. Calvin and I went to bed at 9:00, and every hour on the hour I awoke from the half-hearted slumber to twist my neck around, shift and adjust my position, and pound my pillows. 10:17. 11:23. 12:47. 1:13. I tried the alignment thing I learned when I was young (lying on my back using a neck pillow, a rolled towel under my lower back, and a pillow under my knees). I tried each side, curled up on one pillow or two pillows or no pillows. Grasping a third pillow to my chest, and casting it aside. On my stomach. On my back. By 2:30 I was thinking of things I could be doing other than tossing and disturbing Calvin's sleep. By 3:00 I gave up rest as an unattainable goal, and got up. By 5:00 I had done my yoga DVD, had two pieces of toast with jam, watched the Discovery Channel, did two loads of laundry, made coffee, and showered. And of course, just when it made no sense, timing-wise, to lay back down - that's when I got tired. I've suffered with insomnia off and on throughout my life. Really, the only place in the world that I can get an entire, undisturbed night's sleep is in my old room at my Grandmother's house. And even there, sometimes, I spent sleepless nights. Not often - seldom enough for the occurrence to be novel, when it did happen. I don't mind it, really, when I can't sleep. I'll read, or do chores, or watch TV. Anything to distract me from this weird, tense, medicine head kind of feeling I get when I'm up moving about the house in the dead of night. Calvin laughed at me when I told him I did yoga at 3:00 a.m. Yes, I might be a little bit psycho, but I thought maybe it would make my back feel well enough to enable me to get some rest. Nope. ********************* Our family is very firmly entrenched in middle class Americana. We have the house with the mortgage, and the dual income that comes with 40+ hours per week spent on the job. We have the vehicles with the payments, the credit cards with the payments, the cable bill, and the grocery budget. We file early and pay our taxes on time. We watch far too much television. We have the pets, the yardwork on the weekends, and the list of chores that occupies a chunk of our free time. We get up early and go to bed early on the week days. We get up late and go to bed late on the weekends. We live, do what has to be done most of the time, what doesn't have to be done some of the time, work to excess, and play in moderation. We're boring. What's more, we're bored. While it certainly is (would be) excellent to have such personal fortitude that we're inspired to happiness simply because of how blessed we are, that just doesn't seem to be the way humanity works. When our blessings in life get old, get "used to", are no longer novel, it's very easy indeed to take them for granted. The "if only's" (usually about winning the lottery) surface. The standards of defining what is a "need to have" and what is a "want to have" become blurred and re-formed. It becomes harder and harder to sufficiently entertain ourselves to the level that makes us feel electric and alive. We used to go bike riding and roller-blading on weekday evenings. Now nothing will do but a ski trip to Colorado. We used to have a single 25-inch television. Now we have five, and we'll settle for nothing less than wide screened, DVD special featured, surround sounded, theatrical experiences. We used to be perfectly happy with Taco Bell. Now, in addition to it, we also want gourmet, fancy, unpronounceable cuisine. We say we live a simple life, when in reality it is fraught with consumerism and greed. We, very simply put, have no idea how good we've got it. It's enough to make me want to move to the mountains and live off the land. Except that I would have absolutely no idea how to do that. Drop me in the middle of the woods, and I might be able to avoid poison ivy. I know enough to only drink from water that isn't pooled or still, and I know not to put anything in my mouth that I don't recognize as being non-poisonous. I know that moss doesn't only grow on the north side of a tree, and I know that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. I can find the North Star and the Big Dipper. I can find dry wood even if it's been raining, but I don't know how to start a fire without matches. And maybe lighter fluid. I know how to recognize some animal tracks, and I know better than to just waltz into a cave without checking it first. I know well enough to sit put in one spot if I'm lost. I don't know how to hunt, and if I did catch something, I wouldn't know the first thing about preparing it. I don't know how to garden - I can't even keep a ficus alive. I'm a dismal failure at fishing. Cooking over an open fire might very well be beyond me - I've never tried it. Essentially, if left to my own devices, I may be able to keep myself alive for a week. Maybe two. And that's if I have the virtual pharmaceutical of medications on hand that I take on a daily basis. The necessities in my life, embarrasingly enough, include grocery stores (plural) less than a mile away from my house, a vehicle that starts up right away every time the key is turned, a home that has reliable heat and air conditioning at the touch of a button, high speed internet acceess, a good stereo, and HBO. Clearly, if I had been born into any other time or place, I would have been doomed. It doesn't make me proud that I am this way - it doesn't make me proud that many Americans are this way. It DOES make me proud to live in a country that enables me to be such a greedy, inept dumbass. I live in a country where multitudes of people and the services they provide enable me to get by with pretty much only contributing my tax-payer dollars, being a law-abiding citizen, and performing the occasional volunteer work. I live in a country that is safe and protected by excellent medical professionals, police, firefighters, and military defenses. I live in a country whose government, while fucked up at times, at least makes a passing attempt at being "by the people, for the people". I just wish we all were more aware of how really, really good we've got it. As many times as I try to reset my attitude, remind myself of the many things in my life that were practically handed to me on a silver platter, remind myself of just how easy my life is - I still find the capacity to whine and complain, fuss and moan. In reality, I'm damned lucky to be bored. Comments on this entry? Head on over to Colloquial!

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©Laura Charon 2000 - 2003.