November 6, 2002

In A Writerly Mood

Anna's November 6th entry struck a chord in me. She wrote about how her entries have been somewhat reduced to minutiae as of late, mostly due to the busy nature of her life, and the focussing of her emotions on little Mae. She expressed that she misses the writing part of keeping an on-line journal. The capture of emotions and feelings surrounding events in life; the significant, and the not so much so. Words that transport her back into the moment, rather than documentation that merely summons a recollection that the event happened at all.

I found myself nodding along as I read, because I find myself in those spots on occasion, too. It's not that I always have something significant to write about, but each day holds something within it that I'm sure I'd like to remember. Not just to recall, but be able to re-live.

Maybe there is a common thread among those who keep journals. We as journalers (sweeping statement, perhaps) often feel that we should be striving for the perfect combination of words, the ultimate turn of phrase, that exactly captures the thought, feeling, atmosphere, and circumstances of an instant in our lives. When we are reduced to the A-B-C documentation of *facts*, we feel that we are doing ourselves (and perhaps our readers, if we're "public" with our journal) a disservice. We're not making enough effort. We're not doing it right. And most importantly of all, we're losing the moment that needs to be captured. Once it's gone, it's gone.

I myself often feel like life is charging away at an alarming rate, and I want to remember that amid the life I have experienced is the actual living that I did. Yet there are so many times where I was tired, or distracted, or couldn't concentrate, or just didn't feel like it. I slap-dashed an entry together without searching for the right words, delving into the details, or digging deeper into the moment. I settled for "first we went here, then we did that..." Sometimes I didn't even make the attempt at all, and there are so many moments that deserved to get captured, that didn't. They're all but gone now, because the instant is no longer fresh in my mind. The details are blurred, and the feeling is half-remembered.

I could sit here and vow that I will write every day. I could say that I will slow down and take the time to think things out, every time I sit down to write. I could promise to make every effort to paint a picture with my words, make the mundane special, and the extraordinary brilliant. The best I can do, though, is promise myself to try. Introspection is difficult to maintain, and sometimes the actual living part of my life gets in the way of the contemplation of it.

Because of this, a benefit of writing that I have gone without experiencing lately is the little epiphanies, the moments of insight, that I don't realize in myself until after I get it all down. I call it "writing myself out", and it helps me define shadowy, elusive things that are bothering me. I know the signs well. I'll go for a few days with a vague feeling of disquiet or unhappiness - nothing that gets in the way of my functionality or enjoyment of life, but it exists and distracts me nonetheless. I'll find my mind wandering off during conversations, or I'll ask a question and not pay attention long enough to receive the answer. I'll find myself staring off into space and being perfectly content to do so. I'll be struck with the desire for more "alone time", and shut myself in the bedroom to watch TV or surf the web. A low-level depression of the non-specific kind, if you will. I don't have a specific issue with anything or anyone in particular that I can put my finger on, there's just something going on in my subconscious that needs to be brought out to the surface.

I have been feeling that way lately. I don't know if it's the unanswered question of whether or not I got that job that's still hanging over my head, or being homesick, or being anxious about our financial goals (always, no matter how much money we may or may not have), or the impending holidays, or my concerns about going back to school (another entry for another day), or feeling down on myself for not working out and eating right, or or or...

Yeah. Check "D - All of the above".

For the most part I can talk to Calvin about these things, except for the ones that he chooses to take personally (like my added wish for "alone time", noted above - much as I tell him it has nothing to do with him, he's still convinced he needs to "fix" something). I can tell you his response for each and every one of those concerns I listed up there - to the whole job situation it's, "You're no worse off if you don't get the job, so don't worry about it." For the homesickness it's, "Then go home for a long weekend." For the finances it's, "We just have to get over the hump, and look at our spending habits." For the holidays it's, "What the heck are you stressed over? We'll just make it low-key this year." For the whole school thing it's, "Oh, wah, AcronymCo is paying for your education, you have SO much to whine about." For the eating/working out thing it's, "Then get off your ass/push yourself away from the table, and *do* something about it."

Pragmatic, my Calvin is. Good advice, all of it. Thing is, I'm not generally prepared to talk about what's bothering me until I've figured it out for myself (duh). Writing helps me figure myself out in a way that conversation just doesn't. Calvin's even recognized that, to the point where he's actually told me to go have a writing session to get it out of my system.

It's so good to be understood.

So here I am, writing away and feeling better for it. I still haven't solved anything, but I feel clearer-headed anyway. It's completely odd to me, still, how that works. But it's the way I've been for my entire life, so I guess there's no changing it now.

********************

Just tacking this on because I was just checking my web stats:

#reqs: search term
-----: -----------
4: storyteller
4: ferarri
1: thinking outside the box has become
1: depressing song
1: serve meatloaf with
1: treehouse
1: i before e except after c words
1: oronoco flow
1: don't spend it all in one place
1: hershy's birth
1: bogarted
1: chinese proverbs thought for the day
1: snoopy dance
1: billiards salt pepper
1: cheesy corporate christmas greetings
1: tales of the 4th grade nothing
1: the more i want to get something done the less
1: abs using free weights
1: lose my mind music
1: calvin booth wedding

Weird. My site was hit when someone was looking for "depressing song" and "lose my mind music". Whoever you are out there, don't do it, man!!! You have too much to live for!

I serve meatloaf with mashed potatoes, gravy, and canned corn.

I always wanted a treehouse. And a ferarri.

Chinese proverb thought for the day: "Man who laugh at himself have unlimited entertainment."

Oronoco Flow was once my favorite song. Now, it's that new Michelle Branch(?)/Santana song.

Ack. Thanks for reminding me. It will soon be time for more Christmas card politics.

The more I want to get something done, the less I think outside the box.

Receive. Conceive. Deceive. Receipt. Conceited. But what about ancient, science, efficient, sufficient, and conscience? Or either, foreign, weigh, neighbor, and height? Stupid rule.

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©Laura Charon 2000 - 2002.