December 26, 2001

Strange Ache

prev home mail archive next Momentary Thought Calvin has been doing his best to cut himself on the jackknife I got him for Christmas. High/Low High: I got the leather coat I've been coveting for Christmas. Low: Back to work tomorrow. Current Obsession Calvin! Calvin Calvin Calvin Calvin Calvin. Grin Source Jayne and I are sharing some mental link, it seems. Not only did we e-mail each other with comments about the other's recent entries, at almost the exact same moment, but we both had bruschetta at Christmas. Weird. Singing Free free, set them free... Sting A Year Ago More or less Last year I took care of my ex-boss' cat. Storyteller Bio Dramatis Personnae Who I Read Recipes

Calvin and I have been deliriously happy with each other as of late. We've moved from one special moment to another, reinforcing and growing the bond that exists between us. Small moments stretch out, and the more significant ones stop the breath. This happiness is producing a strange ache inside, like someone pushing against my chest with the flat of their hand. The two of us have been weepier over the past week or so than either of us can remember being for a long time. A shared, happy thought will bring tears to our eyes just as quickly as a sad one. I know that, for myself, I miss my grandmother terribly. Last night I pulled Calvin into the bedroom to listen to a song I'd downloaded - "Where You Are" by Josh Groban. We stood holding each other and listened to the lyrics: Who can say for certain Maybe you're still here I feel you all around me Your memories so clear Deep in the stillness I can hear you speak Your still an inspiration Can it be That you are my Forever love And you are watching over me from up above Fly me up to where you are Beyond the distant star I wish upon tonight To see you smile If only for awhile to know you're there A breath away, not far To where you are Are you gently sleeping Here inside my dream And isn't faith believing All power can't be seen As my heart holds you Just one beat away I cherish all you gave me Everyday Cause you are my Forever love Watching me from up above And I believe That angels breathe And that love will live on and never leave Fly me up to where you are Beyond the distant star I wish upon tonight To see you smile If only for awhile To know you're there A breath away, not far To where you are I know you're there A breath away, not far To where you are As we stood there, Calvin whispered in my ear, and used my Grandmother's childhood nickname her sister used... "Merry Christmas, Lolly." I broke down and started sobbing, and when I looked up Calvin's cheeks were damp, too. We've been hovering like that, a happiness so acute it's akin to pain, on the knife edge of tears. Christmas Eve the two of us were in such a state of shared bliss with one another that we couldn't even say "I love you" without getting choked up. Life in general has taken such a positive swing that we're alternately wearing fooling grins, or fawning all over each other in a state of sopping gooey warm and fuzziness. And as for the Public Displays of Affection, well, the world is just going to have to deal with it. We're missing the people who can't share our happiness with us, and fearing the ephemeral nature of life. We're scared that our profound happiness is only a precursor of bad things to come. We're distrusting this good feeling, wincing away from it like we're expecting a blow to come. There is no real reason to distrust this happiness. We're allowed it. There are no dues to be paid in order to "deserve" it. Yet Calvin and I are both very much the same way. When things get this good, the balance of the universe dictates that there's a down side. We've swung so high on the positive side, we're fearing the pendulum will swing equally as high on the negative side. Each perfect moment we've been sharing has been tinged, and we wonder if this is just our way of warding off the bad. If we acknowledge it could happen, does that mean that it won't? Why are we so scared to be this happy?