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Right now I'm |
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December 17, 2002Out of sortsI'm a little off-kilter today. I think it started last night. See, while Calvin and I are usually successful in the realm of communication and understanding one another, there are some times when the moon is out of alignment or something, and we just can't seem to get across to one another. Last night was one of those nights. We were lying in bed in the dark, talking. I wasn't getting across to him, or he wasn't getting across to me, or something. I thought the stuff that was coming out of my mouth was completely logical, he couldn't see it; I thought the stuff he was saying was pretty much bologna, and he disagreed. And lo, we were frustrated. So I did what I do when I'm frustrated. I cried. He said, "Are you crying? There's no crying in baseball!" And he did what he does when I cry - he ignored it. He rolled over and went to sleep. Like, right away. While I was still crying. Which miffed me, being a girl and all. I want acknowledgement! I want validation of my feelings, dammit! So I got up to blow my nose, and flopped back into bed. Rolled. Twisted. Pulled on the covers. Flopped some more. But he was determinedly asleep, and even began to snore. Dammit. One second I was wide awake and convinced that I wasn't going to fall asleep. The next second I was out out out. And then I started having the most fucked up dreams. I mean, I'm not one to usually go on about my dreams in my journal, but these deserve some kind of documentation. I dreamed about my mother. She was right there, in full detail, down to the voice and the hair and the smell, even. In a way that I can't remember her while I'm conscious. We were sitting side-by-side, on some tall steps or bleachers or something. The known fact in the dream (you know how you just *know* things, in a dream?), without the detail behind it, was that she's always been alive, and that my family just told me she was dead. She disappeared out of my life for some reason, and was now making contact again. I completely understood and was not bitter. We were talking for quite a while, I know that, but there's only one thing she said, and one thing I said, that I really remember. She said, "I've been gone for a long time, and I don't feel about you the way I would have if I'd been here all along. Do you understand that?" And I said, "Yes, I understand. I love you, Mumma." Gah. It gives me a sinking feeling, for some reason, just thinking about it. I mean, what the hell?? I dream about Grandma a LOT, but this is the first time that I remember dreaming about my mother. There's some deep shit going on that my conscious mind can't get ahold of. Anyway, the second part was weird, too. The dream just kind of segued, and Calvin, the kids, and I were at the airport. Or at least, I know they were at the airport, but I was walking kind of *behind* the airport, where the luggage is trucked around. I look up in the sky, and an airplane is taking off at the same time that a space shuttle type vehicle is landing. The airplane got up only a little way off the ground, then rolled over. The wings dropped off, and the airplane just kind of plopped back onto the ground, only buckling a little bit in the middle. The shuttle skipped over the crashed airplane and landed on the other side. Some technician type guys who were on a nearby roof observed me watching this happen, and they waved at me and hollered, "Thanks, Laura!" That weird understanding-without-words thing told me that they appreciated me keeping the whole incident under wraps, so it wouldn't cause a panic. I walk into a back door that enters into the airport. I hear loud meowing behind me, and I turn around to see Oz emerging from the woods that back right up to the airport, trotting up to me like he does when he expects to get fed. I let him in, and there's all these bustling people around, and luggage carousels, and PA announcements, and whatnot. Calvin and the kids are there waiting for me, and we're heading to our gate. We leave Oz at the airport as if this is what we normally do when we go on a trip. He just comes and goes, spending time in the woods until he wants to be fed, and sleeping on the chairs in the waiting area. Dude. I am so messed up. So today I can't shake that dream-state feeling; surreal, blurry around the edges, distracting. I'm good for no useful work whatsoever, so I wrote out Christmas cards to my co-workers, and now I'm going home to put a chicken in the crock pot. Maybe the mundane will bring me out of it. But if there are any dream analysts in the audience, I'd love to hear your stab at what the hell all that was supposed to mean. ******************** As an aside, I was trying like hell to capture the abiance of the living room this morning (MORNING. And it's still dark. I'm just sayin'...). It seems to be an impossible thing with the digital camera. I post for you my attempts, so you can point and laugh.   
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