A collaborative effort in creative writing. |
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October 2005 Collaboration Amanda of Chasing Waterfalls Dreams By A.K. Osborne 'Did you ever have dreams?' You dare to ask such a question of me? You, who made it so that I could never realize a single dream I ever had? You have dreams, you tell me in a childlike fit, much like a temper tantrum. Do you mean to insult me, or is it pure accident? But you asked the question, as rhetorical as it might have been. Well then. Let me tell you about some of the dreams I had before my world fell apart because of you. I dreamt of many things, some silly, some not. I dreamt of being a ballerina; not very original, I know, but I was a typical young girl. During the same period of my life, I also wanted to be a singer and an actress. Perhaps I thought I could combine all three into one spectacular career. Later, I dreamed of boys, as I grew older and took notice of them. I dreamed I would marry Bobby, or Ted, or Phillip. Whomever I married, it would be a fairy tale wedding: hundreds of guests, a flowing fountain, the crashing of the surf nearby, streamers and balloons and flowers and fireworks. And me, in my Cinderella gown with my hair all done up, swaying to the first dance with my faceless new husband. As I grew older still, I discovered I had a gift for science, and with my love of all animals, I dreamed of becoming a zoologist. I applied myself to my schoolwork, reading everything science- and animal-related, absorbing the information, enveloping myself in it. Lying awake at night, staring at the ceiling, I dreamed of traveling to far-off and exotic places to study animals in the wild; places like Africa and the rainforests, Australia and the Arctic. I dreamed of standing before a grand audience, delivering presentations to the wealthy to gain support for saving endangered species. I dreamed of staging protests that would draw millions against the illegal seal hunt, fur coats, the development of land that belonged to our furry friends. In university, while I dreamed of my sparkling and exciting career, I also dreamed of seeing the world, traveling for pleasure, that is. Of seeing Amsterdam and the Eiffel Tower in Paris, Berlin and Moscow. I dreamed of sipping coffee at some streetside café, and walking through the ruins of Greece and Rome. I dreamed of camping in a Middle Eastern desert beneath a multitude of stars, and strolling through the pyramids of Egypt. I dreamed of taking part in an excavation and making a mind-blowing discovery - for, you see, if I had not had my heart set on zoology, I would have become an archaeologist. In university, I began to dream of Erik Hitchfield. He was studying to be a zoologist as well, and the idea of the two of us working side-by-side made my knees weak. What could be better than to marry a man who shared your passion? But Erik Hitchfield wasn't looking for romance right then. He was focused on academia, but he was a great friend. I was biding my time, and meanwhile, I had my dreams of him. So, you see, I had dreams - of a career, of travel, of love. And not one of those things did I get. No. Indeed, I got wasted one night at a party full of strangers when I was feeling particularly down about my dear, sweet Erik. I got wasted and I got picked up. I fell into bed with a man named Greg, and a month later when I missed my period, I found out I was pregnant. And just like that, in the course of one night, my dreams vanished. My parents - your grandparents - filled my head with ideas and opinions that weren't my own, but which I accepted out of weakness. Abortion was murder. Putting you up for adoption was abandonment. Greg was a loser pothead and wouldn't have married or supported me even had I wanted him to, and Erik Hitchfield certainly was not going to notice me now. I had to quit school and take two jobs to support not only myself but you as well. Instead of a large studio flat, I moved into a cramped, cockroach-infested one-bedroom apartment. Instead of having my husband by my side while I brought a wanted child into this world, I pushed an unwanted brat out with my mother standing there, tears in her eyes because I was such a disappointment. My life became 2 a.m. feedings and smelly diaper changes. Being fired from shitty job after shitty job because I couldn't find an affordable babysitter or nanny who wouldn't shake you to death when you refused to stop your screeching. Dealing with a hollering toddler throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of the department store, mortifying me, and all because you wanted some toy I couldn't afford if we wanted to eat. From an ungrateful toddler, you turned into an ungrateful child and then an ungrateful teenager. Whenever I actually had a free moment from work, I watched you build your dreams, your goals. I saw that distant look in your eyes, so familiar, as you dreamed of far-off places you planned to visit some day. I gave up my life for you, and now you want to leave me, move away, go after your dreams, just as you're becoming old enough to care for me. I wasn't allowed to abandon you, but you are now abandoning me. I wasn't allowed to kill you from within my womb, but you would just as soon leave me to die. My experience should translate into me wanting you to follow your dreams? Maybe in a perfect, Brady Bunch world, that would be the case. But the Brady Bunch never had to scrub grease out of their hair after working a twelve-hour shift at a diner. They never lay awake crying at night knowing they would be evicted if they didn't come up with the rent money - and Mrs. Brady certainly never had to blow her landlord so she could stay another month. Yes, I had dreams, and I had the certainty of the ignorant youth that they would become reality. How I wish I could have that ignorance back. DISCLAIMER: I would just like to point out, for those of you who don't know me, that this is fiction in its purest form. I do not hold the character's opinions in the least, and I would never be as bitter or hateful as she is were I to get accidentally pregnant. Indeed, I actually hate this character, but I think that is what made her so fun to write. Please remember to give the author feedback. |